Pick

Team

Player

Comment

1

Ladybirds

Christian McCaffrey, RB

Rumor is that a handshake agreement has already been reached. All that's left is guessing the name the Birds will screech out when he scores. Caffey? CAFFEY!

2

PlazaPlayas

Saquon Barkley, RB

The Playas will probably be guilty of drafting and driving (a boat). Autodrafter takes the wheel.

3

Wisey's Bums

Alvin Kamara, RB

Does Elliott have one of the many Bums lifetime bans? No. Has he created a lot of bad memories? Oh indeed.

4

1227

Michael Thomas, WR

Elliott is falling. 1227s taking a Cowboy this high? Never never. Taking the guaranteed 150 targets instead.

5

JoeMorrisBavaros

Patrick Mahomes, QB

The JmBs often yell to the whippersnappers on their VT lawn, "It's a passing league!" Only one Tier 1 QB here.

6

The Haboobs

Clyde Edwards-Helaire, RB

The franchise's first pick better be Tatum-Bell-level memorable. All the hype is there for this to happen.

7

Cougars

Derrick Henry, RB

The Cougs get to make amends for cutting him a couple years ago (and letting him get picked up by the Birds.)

8

The F*** Buddy Ryans

Ezekiel Elliott, RB

The Prof's model didn't take into account Zeke being here. Ctrl+X the model.

9

Valyrian Steelers

Dalvin Cook, RB

While scrolling and scrolling down looking for the first Steelers player, autodrafter steps in as time expires.

10

NBTU

Davante Adams, WR

No DeSeans or LeSeans or LeVeons here. But Da-vante has a nice ring to it.

11

Metrosexuals

Tyreek Hill, WR

There are no Patriots players for miles and miles. He's no Deion Branch, but Hill will have to do.

12

teen stars

Joe Mixon, RB

teen stars actually drafted last year and went to the Buddy Bowl. Let's hope autodrafter is back in charge.

Pick

Team

Player

Comment

1

teen stars

Julio Jones, WR

By the next time the teen stars pick, David Boston will be the best player on the board. Better get a WR.

2

Metrosexuals

Nick Chubb, RB

Too early for Cam? Probably by about 10 rounds.

3

NBTU

DeAndre Hopkins, WR

Well, this just worked out perfectly.

4

Valyrian Steelers

Travis Kelce, TE

It should be L. Jackson, but there's no way the Valyrians are going through the season rooting for the Ravens.

5

F*** Buddy Ryans

Josh Jacobs, RB

With no statistical model to interfere, the Prof can focus on more important things. A reason to go to Vegas!

6

Cougars

George Kittle, TE

Some Tompa Bay WRs loom, but the Cougs will never support the TB12 travesty.

7

The Haboobs

Miles Sanders, RB

Would like home cooking with Kenyan Drake, but he is more unreliable than a Trump admin covid briefing.

8

JoeMorrisBavaros

Chris Godwin, WR

JmBs have to decide whether to abandon all RB hope at this point. So be it.

9

1227

Aaron Jones, RB

Too high for any Washington Football Team players here. Need to take one of the last serviceable RBs.

10

Wisey's Bums

Mike Evans, WR

After years of horribleness, all the Bums see ahead are players that have betrayed them. Here's somebody new to ruin them.

11

PlazaPlayas

Austin Ekeler, RB

Nice guacamole-making avocados come from California. This guy plays in California. Just makes sense.

12

Ladybirds

Odell Beckham, Jr, WR

Nobody watches the Lions and Vikings. They have terrible terrible ratings. Not taking Sleepin Thielen or Holiday Golladay. They all kneel and have horrible ratings. Everybody watches OBJ. Everybody loves him. Some people say he should be the #1 pick.