2019 Mock Draft

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August 30, 2019 – That was funny that time you guys drafted like a month before the season started. Nobody knew which players would be hurt or unsigned or arrested when the season started. This is much better. Much more clarity. Except for Zeke. And Melvin. And Gurley's knee. And Antonio Brown's helmet. So, the first round is totally f-ed up, but beyond that, there's a lot more clarity.

Round 1

Pick

Team

Player

Comment

1

NBTU

Saquon Barkley, RB

Plays for the Giants? Check. Sorta rhymes with LeVeon, LeSean, and DeSean? Check. Done.

2

Metrosexuals

Christian McCaffrey, RB

Well, it's either him or Kamara. And he seems like the type of player that would be on the Patriots some day.

3

1227

Alvin Kamara, RB

Unless John Riggins or Por-Por is walking through that door, this is the only choice.

4

Wisey's Bums

Nick Chubb, RB

This is the part where things go to hell. Chubb knows the Bums system and he might be the next Ron Dayne.

5

Cougars

DeAndre Hopkins, WR

The Cougs have threatened to autodraft this season. That could mean Zeke here. But there's really no good value to be had in picks 4-10. So this is just safe.

6

LOTFW

Devante Adams, WR

It's probably too early, but better than rolling the dice on the remaining RBs.

7

teen stars

Ezekiel Elliott, RB

But you know who loves to roll the dice with inhuman fortitude? Senor Autodrafter. Watch Zeke ends up playing week 1 and scores 20 TDs this season.

8

Valyrian Steelers

James Conner, RB

Everything is coming together. Now just to get JuJu in the second round.

9

PlazaPlayas

LeVeon Bell, RB

This guy is ranked pretty high. But even the Playas know to steer clear of David Johnson, who is still sitting out there batting his eyes at the Autodrafter.

10

The F*** Buddy Ryans

Patrick Mahomes, QB

The Chiefs are going to crank out fantasy points like Popeye's cranks out chicken sandwiches. And Mahomes is running the drive-though window.

11

JoeMorrisBavaros

Michael Thomas, WR

The JmBs are considering drafting from inside a hurricane. It's the only environment that can match the usual chaos of the JmBs draft room.

12

Ladybirds

Tyreek Hill, WR

The Birds loves outlaws. They're a modern-day Bums. And the reigning champs want to sip from the fountain of eternal fantasy points that is the KC Chiefs.

Round 2

Pick

Team

Player

Comment

1

Ladybirds

Dalvin Cook, RB

RBs are again important, so the Birds can't wait another 23 picks to take one. But there is not enough tequila that could induce the Birds into drafting David Johnson.

2

JoeMorrisBavaros

Joe Mixon, RB

Is it too early for A-Rod? There are not many real RBs left, so this is a bit of a stretch.

3

The F*** Buddy Ryans

Julio Jones, WR

This seems like just the player that will have great production during the season, and then totally screw the FBRs in the playoffs. Perfect.

4

PlazaPlayas

David Johnson, RB

While the Playas are desperately scrolling down the rankings with guac-covered hands looking for Patriots players, Autodrafter does what God intended it to do.

5

Valyrian Steelers

JuJu Smith-Schuster, WR

Mission accomplished! Now just need Big Ben.

6

teen stars

Odell Beckham Jr, WR

Not a half-bad job by the Autodrafter or the living, breathing teen stars. A much better decision than nuking a hurricane, in any case.

7

LOTFW

Travis Kelce, TE

The TE market wasn't what it was in 2016, but the LOTs going for value here.

8

Cougars

Todd Gurley, RB

If the Cougs really are out rolling through Leominster collecting their protection money and autodrafting, then this is what will happen.

9

Wisey's Bums

Mike Evans, WR

Chubb should probably be here, but the Bums already took him 17 picks ago. After six scotches, Evans starts to look like the same type of player as David Boston.

10

1227

Adam Thielen,WR

The 1227s are so boring. It's like watching the Patriots draft. I guess that's how you become the leader in 100-point games. Indeed, this is the third year I've used this!

11

Metrosexuals

Zach Ertz, TE

The Metros just lost to the two TE set in the Buddy Bowl and are now on the bandwagon. It's either him or the Kittle guy.

12

NBTU

Devonta Freeman, RB

First name sounds like an NBTU, although Deshaun Watson wouldn't be inconceivable here.

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The Beginning of All Things

August 30, 2019 - We begin anew (albeit under a full season of hearing "World Champion Ladybirds") with the draft. It is the 18th season of the BRAS League, and arguably the weirdest draft yet. After the first three picks, it gets as horrendous as trying to pick a viable presidential candidate from the Democratic field.