2019 Weekly Previews

Week 13 Previews

Happy belated Thanksgiving! Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Thanksgiving hasn't landed on the last week of the season since 2014. Seven teams are thankful for having locked up playoff spots. However, that makes this maybe the most boring last regular season week in the histroy of the league. There is some seeding to be determined, and the regular season championship -- but that doesn't look like it will be in much doubt.

Valyrian Steelers (6-6) vs. Ladybirds (5-7) -- This is the turducken of the feast. Everything is jammed inside this one game. One of these two teams will get the only undecided playoff spot. The Birds could have been in a much better position if they could have beaten the lowly Bums last week. Instead, they got a combined 15 points fromt their three Patriots and couldn't even score 70 points. How do the Birds bounce back from what was probably the worst loss in franchise history? It looks like they are benching all four of their Patriots and turning to Sam Darnold instead. A sad state of affairs. The Valyrians got trampled last week, but at least they outscored the Birds. The Valyrians lead by 23 total points. For the Birds to make the playoffs instead of the Valyrians, they need to win by at least 23 points. They Valyrians are limping into this game and currently don't even have a full lineup. The Birds won the match-up in Week 2, 104-86. Birds by 10 .

1227 (8-4) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (8-4) -- This is actually kind of like the dessert of the meal because it could be sweet for the winner because they could capture the regular season championship, IF the Metros lose -- or they outscore them by about 70 points. The 1227s seem to have uncovered a gem at QB, as Josh Allen refuses to score less than 15 points in a game. The FBRs haven't scored over 80 points the last two weeks. Which is surprising because usually they wait until the playoffs to fall apart -- so I expect a big game this week. FBRs by 4.

LOTFW (6-6) vs. PlazaPlayas (6-6) -- A little bit of holiday spice here as both teams got big wins last week to lock up playoff spots. It's also New Mahomes (Lamar Jackson) vs Actual Mahomes. The Plazas are also streaking and have scored 100-points in three of their last four games (streaking because they are winning, not running around in the nude, as far as I know). They now have four 100-point games this year, after having only 18 in their first eight seasons. The LOTs went crazy last week and look like a team that's ready to do a lot more than simply make it to the playoffs. LOTs by 3.

Wisey's Bums (3-9) vs. teen stars (7-5) -- Pretty bland brussell sprouts dish on its way. teen stars have very little to play for, other than to snap their 2-game losing streak. The Bums have nothing to play for, except to score 38 points so that they can avoid the final humiliation of scoring less than 1,000 points for the season. teen stars by 6.

Cougars (7-5) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (4-8) -- The Cougars are going to be playing next week. The JmBs are not. The Cougs have won three out of their last four and already put up a strong showing in the Thanksgiving games. The JmBs have won two in a row and actually look like they have finally put everything together. It's a bit like having all the Thanksgiving meal come out perfectly, setting an exquisitely appointed dining room table, and opening a bottle of 2010 Bordeaux, only to learn that it's Friday. Cougs by 4.

Metrosexuals (8-4) vs. NBTU (4-8) -- The Metros got routed last week and were about as uninspired as Al Roker's performance at the Macy's parade. They still need a win to lock up the regular season title, now. The NBTUs have looked like a MASH unit all season and are hobbling across the finish line. They might make the Metros have to work for it a bit, but things are looking good for the Metros to go into the playoffs as the top seed. Metros by 8.


Week 12 Previews

Since these are all the rematches of Week 1, I thought it would be appropriate to have as a sponsor one of the greatest movies about time-traveling Delorians ever made: Back to the Future. Maybe you've heard of it? It was either going to be this for Frozen 2, so count yourselves lucky. Besides, I'm saving Frozen 2 for the playoffs.

LOTFW (5-6) vs. Metrosexuals (8-3) -- In week 1, the LOTs won in shoot-out fashion, 122-109. Ekeler had 29 points for the LOTs in that game. If the LOTs had a time machine, they'd like to go find Melvin Gordon and convince him to continue his hold-out. If he were out of the picture, the future might have unfolded differently for the LOTs, who are now fighting for a playoff spot. They are in good shape with points, but still probably have to win one of these last two. Metros are locked in and fighting with the FBRs for the regular season title. LOTs by 2.

Valyrian Steelers (6-5) vs. 1227 (7-4) -- We saw the future when Week 1 started off the lackluster scoring against the Valyrians, as the 1227s only managed 48 points, as the Valyrians won with 70 points. Teams are averaging 75 points vs the Valyrians. It's your cousin, MARVIN Berry; listen to this: the 1227s have scored over 110 points in four of the last five weeks. Heavy. The 1227s are a virtual lock for the playoffs and the Valyrians are probably okay. 1227s by 2.

JoeMorrisBavaros (3-8) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (8-3) -- The Week 1 Thrillage was pretty thrilling with the FBRs winning 102-94. Looked like both these teams were destined for strong seasons. Well, that's half right. You don't need Biff's Sports Almanac to know how things are going to play out in the future of the BRAS League. You just need the Season Previews. The Bums and JmBs were picked to finish first, so you know they were going to be last. And the FBRs were picked to finish last, so of course they are tied for first. JmBs are eliminated. FBRs are locked. FBRs by 5.

PlazaPlayas (5-6) vs. teen stars (7-4) -- Plazas (side note: I believe that "Plazas" is the more common spoken name of the PlazaPlayas, so I will try to begin referring to them as such) won in week 1, 116-90. teen stars are virtually locked for the playoffs. Plazas are clinging to the last playoff spot like Doc Brown hanging on to the cable in the clock tower soon. They have won three in a row and now need to capture lightning again. Plazas by 1.

Cougars (6-5) vs. NBTU (4-7) -- The NBTUs were burning up the asphalt by scoring 132 points in the week 1 vs the Cougs. But like the Delorian, once they hit 88 miles an hour, they went back in time and were out of fuel. To make the playoffs, they need a couple things to happen (like scoring 1.21 gigawatts of points), but for sure they need to win their last two games. The Cougs huge comeback win last week sent the LOTs sliding into the back of the manure truck and puts the Cougs in a good spot for the playoffs. Cougs by 5.

Ladybirds (5-6) vs. Wisey's Bums (2-9) -- The Kick-off Classic was pretty forgettable, with the Birds winning 102-84. The Bums wish they could go back in time to the draft and have most of their players vanish from the team photo. Drafting RBs that are holding out and OBJ? Think, McFly, think! But this is their shot at redemption. A win against the Birds here would put the Birds into a very bad place for making the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Birds are seemingly powered by a garbage disposal system, as they continue to dump the Patriots trash position players into it and have won enough to be on the cusp of the playoffs. If they win this and their next game, they'll probably make the playoffs. Then, for the rest of us, where we're going we won't need roads -- we'll need earplugs. Bums by 2.


Week 11 Previews

Despite Donald Trump building the strongest economy in the history of the earth, the League had trouble finding a sponsor for this week's previews. So I started aimlessly writing the previews and they were a bit boring, and it's a bit of a boring week, since there are already two teams basically eliminated from the playoffs. As usual, the solution writes itself, as it led to the sponsorship from The Boring Company. Most people know about Elon Musk's automobile manufacturer (Tesla sponsored last year) and his galactic colonization company, but not as many know about his company that bores holes underneath Southern California and Las Vegas. So I give you, The Boring Previews.

Ladybirds (5-5) vs. PlazaPlayas (4-6) -- The Birds have beaten the Playas five times in a row. The Playas last beat them in 2015. Due to the bye week, the Birds were not able to play their horde of Patriots last week. The result was that they scored 108 points and won. Now they're bringing most of them back into the line-up. One of the better known aspects of the Boring Company is that they build a flamethrower for regular people. The Playas also have a flamethrower for retail use -- Patrick Mahomes. Playas by 5.

Valyrian Steelers (6-4) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (7-3) -- Elon Musk has a lot of ideas that are awesome and some that don't work out very well at all. The Valyrians had a bad idea this week. They started four Pittsburgh players on Thursday night (keep in mind that we only get 10 spots for starting players). They totaled 5.35 points. The FBRs are going to win this game, but the Valyrians really only need one more win to be in fine shape for the playoffs. The FBRs have effectively locked up a playoff spot and are in the high-speed lane for a top 3 seed. FBRs by 13.

JoeMorrisBavaros (2-8) vs. NBTU (4-6) -- The JmBs have spent all season digging a really deep hole all season and likely aren't going to be able to get out of it now. It would take a miracle for the JmBs to make the playoffs -- they'd need to win out, one of the 5-5 teams would have to lose the rest of their games, and the JmBs would need to score quite a bit more than their average, and a couple other things. The NBTUs have a more realistic shot, but they really need to win this game. The NBTUs have been dealing with injuries all season, and it's no different this week. JmBs by 4.

Cougars (5-5) vs. LOTFW (5-5) -- Huge playoff implications! The LOTs were once 4-0. After losing five straight, they won last week. It's been a very boring season for AJ Green who has still not played. The Cougs got off to a good start on the infamous Thursday night with the Browns. Our scoring system deducts 3 points for killing an opposing player with their own helmet, so it's a good thing Mason Rudolph has a hard head. LOTs by 1.

Metrosexuals (7-3) vs. teen stars (7-3) -- Potential Buddy Bowl preview! Just like The Boring Company, they have taken the most direct route to their destination. They are at the top of the league because they have scored the most and third-most points. But just like with Boring, there are complications ("this is what happens when you drill!" said Bruce Willis when digging a hole on an asteroid). The Metros are suddenly slipping and have lost two in a row. The match-ups really favor the Metros this week and the teen stars have A-Rod and Aaron Jones on bye. Metros by 5.

1227 (6-4) vs. Wisey's Bums (2-8) -- The Bums had their highest scoring game of the season last week (almost 100 points!). They still lost, of course, but it's very exciting. There is really no way for them to make the playoffs, but scoring a total of 1000 points in the season is now the goal. The 1227s have won all the games in the series since 2015. Drake gets another start and will see if it's God's plan for him to run all over the 49ers again. 1227s by 4.


Week 10 Previews

What a week we had in Week 9. The top three teams lost, the Birds took pity on the team (Cougs) that was beating them down, and the JmBs won -- again! In other words, dogs and cats living together... complete pandemonium. In order to decompress and bring some zen back to the League, we turn to the haiku previews. Allegedly, this is rivalry week, and I guess a couple of the games happen to look that way.

As Mr. Miyagi taught us, trust the quality of what you know, not quantity. With that, I give you the haiku previews, where you know there will be low quality, and not just because they are short.

Ladybirds (4-5) vs. Metrosexuals (7-2) -- It's raining byes / Birds now outside looking in / It seems so quiet; Metros by 8.

Wisey's Bums (2-7) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (6-3) -- Byes are Bums best friend / Prof has won 4 straight v Bums / And now number five; FBRs by 7.

JoeMorrisBavaros (2-7) vs. Valyrian Steelers (5-4) -- In-law brouhaha / JmBs season on line / VS heating up!; Valyrians by 2.

Cougars (5-4) vs. teen stars (6-3) -- Only two moves, Cougs?! / Both looking good for playoffs / Frank Gore built Stonehenge; teen stars by 2.

NBTU (4-5) vs. LOTFW (4-5) -- LOTs free-fall / Battle of the acronyms / Playoff spot impact; NBTUs by 3.

1227 (6-3) vs. PlazaPlayas (3-6) -- Drake as Thomas Jones! / Both slayed giants last week / No rest for Playas; 1227s by 2.


Week 9 Previews

Happy Halloween! It's that time of year for carving pumpkins, setting up spooky experiences with styrofoam tombstones, plastic skeletons and broadcasts of old Chet Johnson interviews, and seeing which BRAS League teams are going to be hideous ghouls (hint: the Bums) and which are going to be sexy devils (hint: the FBRs).

1227 (5-3) vs. Metrosexuals (7-1) -- The Nightmare on Metrosexual Street is ongoing for the rest of the League. They slayed the FBRs last week and also got their 50th 100-point game in franchise history. But know this, the 1227s have won three straight and have scored 114 and 111 points in their last two games. Kenyan Drake came slashing back to life on Thursday with 18 points. He just needed a change of scenery like Jason did in Friday the 13th, Part VIII when he got traded to Manhattan. Metros by 1.

PlazaPlayas (2-6) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (6-2) -- Not only is it Halloween weekend, but it's also time to turn back your clocks. The Playas are singing "if I could turn back time/ I'd go back to week three/ I'd take back those 5 straight losses/ And the Mahomes injur-y." However, Jimmy G's 32 points on Halloween is like showing up at a house and being given a full-size Baby Ruth and a Tesla. The FBRs had a scary run-in with the Metros last week, but they'll likely meet again in December. Is somebody going to pull the mask off "Darren Waller" to find out it's actually Gronk? FBRs by 3.

Wisey' Bums (2-6) vs. Valyrian Steelers (4-4) -- Opposing teams score the fewest points against the Valyrians. And, no team scores fewer points than the Bums. So what shall we expect? If you're a Bums fan trick-or-treating, the equivalent would be showing up at a house and being given a nickle, two pennies, and a Swiffer sweeper to the neck. The Bums have risen from the crypt to win two straight. But the Valyrians have gotten off to a swift start with Kyler Murray scoring 22 points. Afterward, he went around the neighborhood in a Boba Fett costume and nobody suspected that it wasn't a 10 year old. Because he's short, you see. Valyrians by 5.

Cougars (4-4) vs. Ladybirds (4-4) -- Russell Wilson is wearing his Tom Brady costume this year, and he's looked even better, despite not playing the Patriots schedule. Even though the Birds have about a third of their roster spots filled by Patriots, they have not been able to capitalize on the Pats playing a schedule as incompetent as town deputies trying to catch any 80s horror film villain. If you see a costume a few times but have no idea what it is, it is probably from Fortnite, the video game. If you see a RB putting up points every week but have no idea who they are or are wearing a mummy costume that looks like Frank Gore, they are probably a RB on the Cougs. Yeah, "looks like." If on Sunday, you hear screaming like in the shower scene of Psycho, just know that it's the Birds letting the world know that the Birds have taken the lead. Cougs by 2.

JoeMorrisBavaros (1-7) vs. LOTFW (4-4) -- The LOTs have lost 4 straight after starting the season 4-0. The JmBs find this frightening, because they can only imagine what it would be like to win a whole four games this year. Shady and LeVeon must have started wearing their ghost costumes about four weeks too early because they have completely disappeared after strong starts. Things started going to hades for the LOTs when Gordon returned to the backfield with Ekeler. The LOTs better hope Amazon delivers their Melvin Gordon voodoo doll before the games start. He may have a freak accident strike when he least expects it -- the dreaded pin-to-the-knee. LOTs by 2.

NBTU (3-5) vs. teen stars (6-2) -- The teen stars have been quietly haunting the rest of the League and have now won 5 straight and haven't scored fewer than 94 points during that stretch. A-Rod should be scaring the bejesus out of other teams. The NBTUs have been like Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde over the last five weeks, alternating between scoring over 90 points and under 50 points. However, it should be recognized that with all their injuries, the roster is broken down more frequently than the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. teen stars by 3.


Week 8 Previews

Since everybody is short on time and don't have hours to research which games you should pay the most attention to this weekend, I thought I'd give you a handy guide to the freshest games of the week. Hint: DeShaun Watson is looking at an Oscar nomination, while Melvin Gordon is on his way to winning a Razzie.


Metrosexuals (6-1) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (6-1) -- A masterpiece in the making. This is our Casablanca.Our Citizen Kane. Our Big Trouble in Little China. The Metros haven't lost since week 1 and the FBRs only lost when the teen stars scored 147 points. The Metros are going to be without Matt Ryan and have turned to a different Ryan -- Ryan Tannehill. It's probably going to be like Mannequin 2 replacing Andrew McCarthy with William Ragsdale. This has Buddy Bowl preview written all over it. FBRs by 3.

teen stars (5-2) vs. LOTFW (4-3) -- These two teams have both been very good, but the plot direction on this one is what counts. The teen stars are the highest scoring team in the league and have won four straight. The LOTs have dropped three in a row, have Lamar Jackson on bye, and look like they won't even have a TE this week. The teen stars train in a high tech facility, have scientists monitoring their practices and are constantly surrounded by reporters. The LOTs have to train in the Siberian wastes, run through waist-deep snow and train with farm equipment. I'm sensing the perfect set-up for an upset by the LOTs. LOTs by 2.


1227 (4-3) vs. Cougars (4-3) -- A solid match-up of winning teams that are both probably on track for the playoffs. The 1227s doesn't have a lot of talent, but they make up for it with special effects, like turning Marvin Jones look like Megatron. Nick Chubb has been as much of a revelation as Keanu Reeves in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. It was most heinous that he was on bye last week and the Cougs lost. Not many know this, but Frank Gore was an advisor on the set of the 1956 classic, The Ten Commandments, since he knew Moses personally. Cougars by 3.

PlazaPlayas (2-5) vs. Valyrian Steelers (3-4) -- This one could potentially be rotten, but there are enough good storylines that leave potential for a good twist at the end. Playas haven't won in a month and now they've lost Mahomes. Jimmy G. has stepped into the phone both and is either going to emerge as Superman or Austin Powers. Yeah baby! Nobody scores on the Valyrians. Even the Metros only scored 69 last week (even though they won). The Valyrians have much better pieces than a 3-4 record would indicate. Let's see which team can tie it all together in the third act.Valyrians by 2.

NBTU (2-5) vs. Ladybirds (4-3) -- The Birds are like a Fast and Furious movie. Loud and pretty predictable. They go the way the Patriots go, and things have been going pretty well, since the Pats play the equivalent of a MAC college fottball conference schedule. Maybe if they played a team like Kent State instead of the Jets, they wouldn't put up so many points. The NBTUs are digging a deep hole by losing three straights and trying work their way around injuries and byes without making roster changes. Kind of like how the Transformers series can't drop Shia LaBeouf even though he's the worst. They need some cheap plot device, like time travel, to get back into this one. Maybe they can travel back in time and bring Tiki Barber back from their 2005 team. Frank Gore was also on that team -- no joke. Birds by 6.


JoeMorrisBavaros (1-6) vs. Wisey's Bums (1-6) -- It could have been the match-up of the worst teams of all time. No winless teams have ever met this late in the season. It was going to be epic theater. But we can't have nice things. Both teams have won, and now the "so bad, it's good" tagline has turned into, "so bad." Caddyshack 2? Freddie Got Fingered? The Emoji Movie? All of them masterpieces compared to this battle between the two teams that got As for their draft grades and have just been horrendous ever since. But know this. One team will have two wins after this, and will potentially only be one game out of a playoff spot. JmBs by 2.


Week 7 Previews

The Birds wanted WhatsApp to be the weekly sponsor, but I'm still not clear what it is, so it's hard to create a theme around it. But I know what Twitter is. It's the thing that will make us appreciate the eventual zombie apocolaypse and loss of all technology. So, we proudly welcome back Twitter as weekly preview sponsors and the accompanying 280 character previews.

Ladybirds (3-3) vs. LOTFW (4-2) -- The Birds have more Pats players than wins, and have more points than only 2 other teams in the league. The LOTs have dropped two in a row, including last week to the rival 1227s on a last second FG (which also beat the LOTs’ Lions!). However, they’re averaging 14 more pts/week than the Birds. #LOTdoublewhammy #isStanleyMorganOrMosiTatupuAvailable? – LOTs by 3

Wisey' Bums (0-6) vs. PlazaPlayas (2-4) -- The Playas really needed these two games against the worst teams in the league (and maybe worst ever). But they lost to the winless JmBs last week, and now are starting in a hole vs the Bums after a Thurs night disaster. The Bums are essentially in the playoffs now. Next loss ends the season. #JimmyGtime #10weekplayoff #0-13 – Playas by 2.

Metrosexuals (5-1) vs. Valyrian Steelers (3-3) -- The Metros have the most winning, outside of only maybe the White House. They have the most points in the league and are doign it with Matt Ryan. But the Valyrians give up the fewest points – and they haven’t even gotten to play the Bums yet. What’s going to give? #MattyIceMayFinallyWinAChampionship #CardinalsSteelersPlayersGalore – Metros by 2

Cougars (4-2) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (5-1) -- All this talk about the Metros, but here are two of the hottest teams (and QBs) in the league. Cougs have RB issues this week, but also have the inventor of the abacus on the roster: Mr Gore. Right now Yahoo is projecting a scoring difference of only 0.15 pts. Which means one team will win by 20. #PlayoffPreview #ToddGurley_60yearOldGuysKnee FBRs by 3.

JoeMorrisBavaros (1-5) vs. teen stars (4-2) -- The JmBs ruined the potential dream week 8 match-up of two 0-7 teams by winning last week. This is the biggest disappointment this side of the NBA losing China as a market. The teen stars have quietly won 3 straight. A win here with starting 2 DEN WRs would be one of their greatest tricks. #WhoNeedsAutodrafter? #JmBsOnAWinningStreak! – teen stars by 2.

NBTU (2-4) vs. 1227 (3-3) -- 1227s coming off a miraculous comeback win last week. They now have one more win than the NBTUs, despite averaging 17 few points per week. 17! And the NBTUs do this while somehow having an incomplete roster every week. The 1227s are also depleted this week. Sad! #WalkingWounded #Mirac #17! #TooMuchRobustnessToDropAnyone – NBTUs by 1.


Week 6 Previews

This weekend has been nearly consumed by the "beautiful game" and tournaments. So the Bundesliga has agreed to sponsor these time-constrained previews. After this week, we'll be nearly halfway through the season. For two teams, it can't end soon enough...

1227 (2-3) vs. LOTFW (4-1) -- It's the Battle for Federal Triangle! The LOTs suffered their first lost last week, but things look to keep rolling as Baby Chark seems like a superstar and Ekeler looks like he'll continue to put up RB1 numbers even with Gordon back. The 1227s have been uneven, but that's to be expected with Mayfield at QB. The Cleveland equivalent of English soccer houligans are going to be coming for him if he can't turn it around. LOTs by 3.

Wisey' Bums (0-5) vs. Metrosexuals (4-1) -- So the hottest team plays the coldest. The Metros are coming off the fourth highest-scoring game off all time. This would be the soccer equivalent of the German national team playing the Scotch Plains-Fanwood Men's League squad. No team has ever come back from 0-5 to make the playoffs. So it's unlikely that an 0-6 team would be able to do that. Metros by 13.

NBTU (2-3) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (4-1) -- With 24/7 news coverage going toward the Metros 154-point game and news that Donald Trump didn't tell the truth about something, it got lost that the FBRs scored 136 points in beating the undefeated LOTs. The NBTUs have so many injuries, it's starting to look like one half of a men's World Cup match. FBRs by 10.

Cougars (3-2) vs. Valyrian Steelers (3-2) -- Cougs and Valyrians both crossed into winning records with wins last week. The Cougs avoided embarassment last week on essentially an own-goal by the Bums when the Bums lost the lead (and game) on a last minute fumble. The Valyrians are a tougher challenge, but they have moved on from playing a bunch of Steelers to a bunch of Cardinals. I don't know if this is a better strategy. Cougs by 4.

JoeMorrisBavaros (0-5) vs. PlazaPlayas (2-3) -- This game is about as exciting as a throw-in. The Playas have dropped two in a row and Mahomes has looked human. After scoring nearly 100 points and still losing by over 50, it will be interesting to see the emotional state of the Playas this week. We are only two weeks away from the epic showdown between the JmBs and Bums, when one of them will have to win. By getting 27 points from the NE defense on Thrusday night, it looks like the JmBs are going to try to ruin it by winning. But don't worry. We're still talking about the JmBs here. Playas by 1.

Ladybirds (3-2) vs. teen stars (3-2) -- The teens stars have won two in a row and are looking like silent assassins. The Birds are filled with players that get red cards and yellow cards and generally cheat. Despite the Birds pumping up the crowd in anticipation of hundreds of points from Patriots on Thursday night, it didn't happen. And then the Birds went as silent as the teen stars. Looking at the match-ups, it is likely both teams get into the 100s, and will likely come down to Monday night, as 30% of the teen stars roster plays MNF. Birds by 1.


Week 5 Previews

Here's an old stand-by. Please welcome back CliffsNotes as a weekly preview sponsor.

1227 (2-2) vs. teen stars (2-2) -- The last time the 1227s beat the teen stars, a Frozen sticker book was an Amazon best-selling book (2014). The 1227s have turned things around with two wins in a row and the teen stars are coming off a monster week. The teen stars continue to struggle with picking the right QB, but it's a nice problem to have when the QBs are scoring so much. Last week they would have had an all-time top 5 scoring performance, if they'd started Crab Legs over A-Rod. This week, Crab Legs gets a chance to start. The 1227s will bench one of the authors of the Dead Sea Scrolls -- Adrian Peterson. 1227s by 1.

PlazaPlayas (2-2) vs. Metrosexuals (3-1) -- The Metros have won the last four meetings between these teams. The last time the Playas won, it would have just been a hilarious work of science fiction to write a story about Donald Trump being president. The Metros are cruising with three straight wins. The Playas lost last week, and took action with the part of their line-up that is most critical to the franchise. They fired their kicker and signed a guy that was working at Barnes & Noble last week -- Mike Nugent. But he plays for the Patriots, so there you go. Playas by 2.

LOTFW (4-0) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (3-1) -- A sure-fire Pulitizer nominee! Two of the leagues top teams so far, and two of the last three Buddy Bowl winners. The LOTs are undefeated after benefiting from the emergence of Austin Ekeler and Lamar Jackson. The FBRs are benefiting from their faith in Todd Gurley's knee. It's too early to be writing about the chances of an undefeated season, but the pressure might start to mount for the LOTs. FBRs by 3.

Cougars (2-2) vs. Wisey's Bums (0-4) -- It's not too early to be writing about the chances of a totally winless season. It hasn't happened before, but the Bums are perfectly positioned to write that chapter in league history. The Bums season is playing out like a My Little Pony comic book. A lot of colorful characters, some hilarious hijinks, and absolutely no substance. Melvin -- the pony with a lightning bolt cutie mark who likes to hang out by the pool for too long -- is back in the line-up and will be sure to let everypony down. The Cougs are 2-2 but averaging 100 points/game. They've already gotten to almost half that amount just on Thursday night. This could be a really short story. Cougars by 8.

JoeMorrisBavaros (0-4) vs. Ladybirds (2-2) -- This match-up has been a real page-turner. The JmBs best game of last season was week 6 when they scored 138 points vs the Birds. The next plot point came when the Birds got revenge and upset them in the first round of the playoffs. The JmBs seemingly haven't recovered and are floundering -- and are building suspense around whether they could be the first winless team. So what happens next? The Birds have doubled-down on their 2019 strategy by adding another Patriot and another cheaters (yeah, I know there's no difference these days). Ben Watson returned from the grave and his suspension for PEDs to join the Birds. Birds by 4.

Valyrian Steelers (2-2) vs. NBTU (2-2) -- Would you like to read a novel about a fantasy team that chooses players based on their first names, and then the team goes on to score the most points in the league? Too unrealistic? No, this is the true story of the 2019 NBTUs. Would you like to read a feel-good story about a team that loads up on Steelers players just as the Steelers franchise implodes? This can also be found in the non-fiction section. The Valyrians are being carried by their group of Rams players after the Pittsburgh debacle, and the NBTUs are without DeSean and Saquon. Valyrians by 3.


Week 4 Previews

The Birds is celebrating his 50th year of being a human, so I thought it would be appropriate to dedicate this week's previews to the number 50.

1227 (1-2) vs. Ladybirds (2-1) -- Hawaii Five-O. The 1227s are going to try to pull of grand theft by taking this game from the Birds. Ironically, the Birds are a team filled with criminals and cheaters that have had "book-em, Danno," said about them. Hunt, Gordon, the Baltimore Ravens, Tom Brady. The Birds may have a QB controversy on their hands and are using Rivers this week instead of Brady. The 1227s are playing Adrian Peterson and Jason Witten, who both were guest stars on the original series when it debuted 50 years ago. Birds by 7.

JoeMorrisBavaros (0-3) vs. Metrosexuals (2-1) -- 50 Cent. The famous (infamous?) rapper bounced back from getting shot to achieve success. The Metros have rebounded after a week one loss to win two in a row and now have the most points in the league. Meanwhile, the JmBs have nicknamed their roster the G-Unit, similar to the name of 50 Cent's record label. I believe the rationale is that some teams call their best line-up the A-Unit, and the second string is called the B-Unit, and so on and so forth. And so the JmBs are running their G-Unit at this point. Nelson Agholor played and got zero points on Thursday. Probably spent too much of the night before In da Club. Metros by 6.

LOTFW (3-0) vs. Valyrian Steelers (2-1) -- 50 cents. This game reminds us of the transcendent scene in Caddyshack when Danny Noonan is behind a cage and taunting Tony D'Annunzio. The LOTs are like Danny, having scored over 100 points a game and sitting in a protective shell atop the league. Meanwhile, the Valyrians have been really stingy about scoring any more than they absolutely have to, scoring only 79 points a game. I aint payin' no 50 cents for no Coke! If they come into this game unwilling to shell out 100 points, then the LOTs are going to say, "then you don'ta gettin no win."LOTs by 4.

Cougars (1-2) vs. PlazaPlayas (2-1) -- 5150. The police call for the criminally insane. Used in a sentence: "The Playas have Jimmy G stashed on the bench and if he ever starts over Mahomes, I will be forced to call in a 5150." 5150 is also the title of the masterpiece Van Halen album that was the first with Sammy Hagar. After losing last week in a shoot-out the Cougs are also switching up their lead singer to Russ Wilson. Despite losing last week, they have shown that they are Good Enough, by winning the Jumbone two weeks ago. The Playas are looking for the Best of Both Worlds by starting two Patriots RBs. Playas by 1.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (3-0) vs. teen stars (1-2) -- Speed. Before we knew Keanu Reeves was the best actor of all time, he was in a movie about a bus that would explode if it dropped below 50 mph. Both of these teams floored it on Thursday night, combining for over 50 points and are both tracking above 100 points right now. If one of them drops below this pace. Ka-boom! Both teams feature Cardinal players which is a sure way to sabotage your team. FBRs by 2.

Wisey’s Bums (0-3) vs. NBTU (1-2) -- 50 First Dates. This Sandler movie is about the woman who has memory loss every morning. Both these teams seemingly have forgotten how to win. The NBTUs have lost 2 in a row, and each week the Bums players have given their best impression of that sea lion in the movie when it vomits on command. Melvin Gordon wakes up every day thinking it's May 15, so he is unaware that the season has started. The NBTUs have lost Saquon for the foreseeable, so are going to have to speed-date to find another leading man. NBTUs by 3.


Week 3 Previews

Last year we got MoviePass to sponsor the weekly previews as they were in their death spiral. The just officially bit the dust. So when WeWork approached us about a sponsorship, was a I really going to say no to another failing, cash-devouring, industry "disruptor?" I will rent them space on these previews for 37 cents per week, which is an economic model that they envious of.

Cougars (1-1) vs. Metrosexuals (1-1) -- Speaking of disruptors, Antonio Brown may finally go away. The Metros are a bit like the Patriots in that they have plenty of weapons without him, and will probably be fine without him. But he is renting a spot on the Metros roster and they'll never get that draft pick back. The Cougs reminded the League last week that they are very much still in business by finishing with the highest score. And with Dak playing the Dolphins, he single-handedly might score 100 points this week. Cougs by 2.

NBTU (1-1) vs. PlazaPlayas (1-1) -- The NBTUs looked good again last week, despite the loss. But they are now missing two of their biggest playmakers, with DeSean and Damian Williams out. The Playas took a step back last week despite Mahomes scoring 33 points (or 40% of the team's total points). So they have an issue somewhere on the roster. They had a luncheon this week with some of the brilliant minds that have led WeWork to the brink of collapse and they suggested that to fix the problem the Playas should invest in more QB help. So now they have Jimmy G, who they can swap in if they get tired of Mahomes scoring more fantasy points than anyone on earth. Playas by 3.

teen stars (1-1) vs. Valyrian Steelers (1-1) -- The teen stars went off the hook last week. They got double digit points from their defense, kicker, old players, young players. The future is bright. The Valyrians, meanwhile, are looking at tough future.Drafting all those Steelers is starting to look like as good of a decision as it is for WeWork to start an elementary school (WeGrow). teen stars by 3.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (2-0) vs. Ladybirds (2-0) -- There are only three 2-0 teams in the league, and are guaranteed to have one fewer after this game. The Birds have loaded up on Pats, which is going to make them nearly unstoppable. The only way the Patriots could play an easier schedule is if they traveled back in time to play the NFL teams from 1928. The FBRs avoided the emotional hangover last week after the week 1 win in the Thrillage in the Village. Birds by 2.

Wisey’s Bums (0-2) vs. LOTFW (2-0) -- The Bums are headed in the same direction as IPO valuation of WeWork. They started out being picked to win in the league in the Season Preview. Now there is a question about whether or not they are even a real team. Does Melvin Gordon actually exist? And now they are starting a player named Darwin. Things are moving in the wrong direction. The LOTs are cruising along with New Mahomes at QB and New Melvin Gordon at RB and New Art Monk at WR. LOTs by 5.

1227 (0-2) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (0-2) -- Both these teams are as good at making points disappear as fast as cash at WeWork. Last week the NE defense scored 39 points for the JmBs. That's amazing, but not as amazing as the fact it was more than the rest of the team combined. With Drew Brees out, and NE playing the Jets (the AFC East might go .500 against the SEC) it is likely this will happen again. The 1227s are going to be relying on Old Man P (Adrian Peterson) to bring some life to the lowest-scoring group in the League. 1227s by 1.


Week 2 Previews

It's the Twister previews! I'm not talking about the game with the colored dots that the Birds and Playas like to bring out after a night at Plaza. It is the 23rd anniversary of the movie Twister coming out in theaters (you feeling old?). It is widely regarded as one of the best films about tornados since the Wizard of Oz. In week 1, some teams looked like they got hit by a twister, while others WERE the twister. Let's reminisce about one of the finest achievements in cinema as we go through the games of Week 2.

NBTU (1-0) vs. Metrosexuals (0-1) -- The NBTUs looked like a force of nature in week 1. The Season Previews picked the NBTUs to finish 9th and Yahoo gave their draft a C+. These seem to be just as wrong as when the "professional" film critics panned Twister. For the time being, the walking natural disaster -- Antonio Brown -- is going to play in an NFL game and is in the Metros lineup. However, a lot can happen in the hours between now and when the games actually start. NBTUs by 2.

LOTFW (1-0) vs. PlazaPlayas (1-0) -- It's the showdown we've been looking for between the best QBs in the league: Mahomes vs, uh, Lamar Jackson. Just as Twister was the launching pad for the too-short career of Philip Seymour Hoffman, week 1 may be the launch of Lamar Jackson's career. Or it might turn out being the best game of his career. Luckily, he gets to play the poor, gentle Cardinals in week 2. The Playas looked like the best team in the league for a time in Week 1 when Mahomes was cooking, but this week is off to a rough start as the Playas TE got as many points on Thursday night as Twister won academy awards (answer: zero). Playas by 1.

Laybirds (1-0) vs. Valyrian Steelers (1-0) -- Was Roger Ebert describing Twister or the Birds when he said it's "loud, skillful, escapist entertainment?" The Valyrians are probably going to need to find a storm shelter with Tom Brady and Josh Gordon playing the Dolphins. If the Dolphins had a role in Twister, they would be the cow that's getting spun around the tornado. Memorable, but probably for the wrong reasons. And the Valyrians better hope the Steelers are not who we think they are after week 1. Their usual clockwork offense looked like the mess of a video from Humans Being (I had to find some way to work in Van Halen's runaway smash hit song from the movie). Birds by 4.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (1-0) vs. 1227 (0-1) -- The FBRs came roaring to life like an F5 tornado in the waning hours of week 1 to overake the JmBs. There is only one way to go for the 1227s after last week's debacle. But it's clear they have too many Browns, Dolphins and Buccaneers on the roster -- which is means more than zero. A big part of the plot of the movie is something about sacrificing up a bunch of inert objects into a tornado to see how badly they can get whipped around. This may also be the plot of this game with the FBRs starring as the tornado and the 1227s roster as the inert objects. FBRs by 8.

Wisey’s Bums (0-1) vs. teen stars (0-1) -- As we get down to these last two games of all winless teams, we enter what the Twister character Dusty called "The Suck Zone." Big Ben is aging about as gracefully as the 1996 CGI effects in the movie. It could be a long 6-8 weeks for the Bums until Melvin Gordon starts playing. Aaron Rodgers looked as out of place last week as Cary Elwes (better known as Wesley from the Princess Bride) being cast as the bad dude in Twister, and the teen stars 12-game regular season winning streak ended. A-Rod should bounce back and their defense should score millions of points against the Jets. teen stars by 5.

Cougars (0-1) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (0-1) -- Both of these teams actually did fine last week and look good on paper. The JmBs were looking so good that they actually pronounced their victory before the games ended last week. That usually doesn't end well. Karma got after it and the JmBs are 0-1. But karma wasn't done, oh no. You drafted upstanding citizen Tyreek Hill? Let's put him on the sidelines for a couple months. The Cougs spent the week hanging out with the Patriots' Lombardi trophies and introducing them to her rings, so maybe there will be some positive mojo, like the kind in Twister that can help a human hang out in the middle of a tornado without getting a scratch. Cougs by 2.

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Week 1 Previews


Hello, and welcome to the 2019 Weekly Previews. In the modern era of the BRAS League (everything after the first season), we haven't had the draft so close to the games. And yet, there have been landscape-changing events in just these few days. Given the compressed time frame, I'm going to keep these brief. If the White House isn't going to put any time or effort into trying to fool people, why should I? And away we go!

Wisey’s Bums vs. Ladybirds -- Kick-off Classic! It is the annual tradition. However, three other kick-off games are the same as they were last year. Rip-off! The Birds won the Buddy Bowl last year, but it got off to a rough start when they lost a veritable Pity Bowl to the Bums in week 1 last year, 65.50-64.65. The Bums seem to have a superior line-up, primary because they have WRs that are actually the top WR on their respective teams. What a concept! However, the Birds might actually get something out of Josh Gordon besides another failed urine sample, since he'll have Tom Brady's attention this one week before AB shows up. Bums by 4.

The F*** Buddy Ryans vs. JoeMorrisBavaros -- The Thrillage in the Village is becoming a Kick-Off tradition! Last year the JmBs won decisively in week 1, although the FBRs would get revenge in week 12.This one will likely come down to whether Gurley's knee can withstand the strain of a full game, and whether LeVeon Bell's career can withstand the NY Jets. The FBRs were picked last in the Season Preview, so this will probably mark their first of 16 wins this season. FBRs by 1.

NBTU vs. Cougars -- The Cougs start the season with a huge chip on their shoulder after getting the worst draft grade. The NBTUs have all the pressure in this one as they wait to see how the #1 overall pick does. Yahoo is basically projecting a tie right now, but it will probably depend on whether Diggs plays. NBTUs beat the Cougs last year in a nail-biter, 77.18-74.88. Cougs by 1.

LOTFW vs. Metrosexuals -- This is another Kick-Off match-up that happened last year. The Metros won both games by many points. In the span of four hours, the Metros went from thinking AB was done to seeing him land on the Patriots. That alone will probably get the Metros a couple additional wins this year. But his hot air balloon won't show up with his helmet until next week, so he won't get to play this week. The LOTs have already started to seize the opportunity by picking up 18 points on Thursday night. LOTs by 3.

PlazaPlayas vs. teen stars -- Factoid: the teen stars are riding an 11-game regular season winning streak. It may be tough to keep it going as the two Packers on the team fell massively short of expectations on Thursday night. The teen stars submitted a scorecard with a "1" written in front of Aaron Jones score of 2.45, but I can't accept that as an official scoring change. The Playas have one of the best kickers in the league, and their entire franchise revolves around kickers, so they're in good shape. The teen stars won last year when they met in week 7. Playas by 3.

Valyrian Steelers vs. 1227 -- Another Kick-off match-up from last year! The 1227s won both meetings last year, but the week 1 game was a 101.58-99.91 thriller. The 1227s have two Redskins on their team, but neither are starting -- it appears they are trying to win. It's God's plan that Drake is starting at RB. The Valyrians might need divine intervention to fix their RB situation. Beyond James Conner, it relies on back-ups. And they already have a QB controversy. After taking Murray ahead of Goff in the draft, they are starting Goff. Just because he can't see over the offensive line even BEFORE they snap the ball, doesn't mean you shouldn't give the little guy a chance. 1227s by 2.