2018 Season Preview


Here we are in the 17th session of The League and the draft was the earliest it's been since 2003. It put many of us into the position of pure speculation. So, it made sense that I got the speculative cryptocurrencies (hint: all of them) to sponsor the annual preview. They didn't pay me in cash, but in electronic coins instead (like in Super Mario). So much wealth up in here.

Just like last year's preview, I included the hilarious Yahoo draft grades at the bottom for comparison. Last year, the team with the worst grade ended up winning everything.

1. Ladybirds (predicted record: 9-4)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 3rd, but actually finished 5th at 7-6 and lost in the first round.

2018 Outlook: The Birds get credit for hosting the first live draft without any technological snafus. They do not get credit for trying to steal from the Bums playbook by taking a raft of players that are hurt or suspended and hoping they will have value at some point down the road. The Birds are a big speculator on the demise of the QB/WR league. They stocked up on strong RBs in the draft.Although, they did take TE Zach Ertz as the 33rd overall pick, which begs a lot of other questions. He knows the Birds philosophy, but regression to the mean is a real thing and it's coming for Ertz. If they are right about the RBs and Edelman is the feel-good story of the year, the Birds are the smart bet to win the regular season.

2. JoeMorrisBavaros (predicted record: 9-4)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 9th last year, the JmBs finished 6th and made an Irish exit in the first round. Some question whether they showed up for that game at all.

2018 Outlook: The JmBs have agreed with Yahoo that they had the best draft and have claimed that the "Jmbs will dominate this year" and that it's "not fair for the rest of the league." This may be putting the cart before the horse, as the JmBs have gotten about as close to dominating the league as the Winklevoss twins have gotten to dominating the ETF market with their bitcoin ETF. But know this, the JmBs likely did have the best draft, so long as Kenyan Drake does not lose playing time to the Spanish dubloon of the NFL, Frank Gore. And as long as A-Rod stays healthy. This actually could be the year for the JmBs. It could also be the year of bitcoin 42,000.

3. LOTFW (predicted record: 8-5)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 2nd, and won the regular season (9-4) and the Buddy Bowl. Not too shabby of a prediction,

2018 Outlook: The reigning champs have a history of both good drafts and mining players throughout the season. Their draft looks decent, but they clearly believe that we have returned to the days of RBs winning championships and Sacagawea dollars. The LOTs have front loaded RBs and expect to pull WRs out of the ether at some point later in the season. They are the reigning champs, so we will not disagree yet. No team has repeated yet, so the odds are long to win it all.

4. Wisey’s Bums (predicted record: 8-5)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 10th last year, and the Bums finally did finish out of playoff contention at 11th place.

2018 Outlook: The Bums are in full character of the 2003 draft. Actually, dressed as the JJs. The team is loaded up with unknown and unproven rookies and the Bums have already been adding and dropping players like they are lite coins. But what are cryptocurrencies if not unknown and unproven? So the Bums are balancing the old and the new models and their draft may not actually be as bad as it has been in recent years.

5. The F*** Buddy Ryans (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to finish in 8th last year, the FBRs finished in 2nd place (by points) and came within 8 points of becoming the first ever repeat champion when they lost in the Buddy Bowl. Pretty shabby prediction.

2018 Outlook: The FBRs are currently the career wins leader in regular season games, so they get an automatic 4 wins tacked onto their projection. However, they were the first to suffer from the early draft as their 3rd pick (McKinnon) is now gone for the season. But the Prof has been known to make some wizardly roster moves, akin to turning Chuck E. Cheese tokens into Ripple. Or vice versa, given how the crypto markets are feeling. The FBRs have to play the JmBs and Valyrians twice, which probably gives them the toughest schedule.

6. Valyrian Steelers (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to finish last, the Valyrians got up the learning curve relatively quickly and finished in third and made it to the Final Four.

2018 Outlook: The Valyrians aren't going to be taken lightly by anoyone this season, so the element of surprise is gone. However, it was a surprise that they took Jared Goff 21st overall. He and the Valyrians are not likely to put up the same performances as last year. But as insurance, they took Carson Wentz four rounds later. This is like diversifying your retirement savings across both Bitcoin AND Ethereum. They also drafted multiple Browns RBs, for which I am deducting one projected win.

7. Cougars (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 4th, but finished 8th (6-7) and got bounced in the first round by the eventual champs.

2018 Outlook: The Cougars have fallen on tough times recently and haven't won a playoff game since they won the Buddy Bowl in 2014. In cryptocurrency terms, that may as well been 100 years ago. Back then, we were still mocking the FBRs for not winning anything and making firms give equity in return for new capital, rather than letting them give made-up coins worth as much as magic arrows in Dungeons & Dragons in return. I digress. The Cougs have embraced the new economy of fantasy football by taking a receiving RB (Kamara) and WRs early in the draft. The Cougs have also speculated on Jimmy G who is the hottest new commodity. Luckily, they do get to play the Playas twice.

8. 1227 (predicted record: 6-7)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 7th, but finished 4th and made it to the Final Four.

2018 Outlook: The 1227s again proved their managerial mettle last season by making it to the Final Four. So, that weighs heavily in the previews. However, it must also be considered that the autodrafter was not too kind to the franchise that has the only undefeated season in league history. They did get David Johnson 3rd overall, but everything else seems a bit off. To mine a bitcoin it takes a Sky Net mainframe and the same amount of electricity to power Estonia. To power the autodrafter, Yahoo uses a Commodore 64 and a hedgehog on a treadmill.

9. Metrosexuals (predicted record: 5-8)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 1st , but finished 9th with a 6-7 record. The Metros have been picked first in the season preview three times. This is the typical result.

2018 Outlook: The Metros are still the longest running franchise to have never been to the Buddy Bowl. Usually Yahoo and the Previews love the Metros draft and pick them to finish near the top, and fizzle out in the postseason. It's fairly predictable, like gold-backed currency. But this is not the season for predictable! The Metros are rolling with two highly speculative RBs (Cook and Mixon), but they drafted them in the 2nd and 3rd rounds. This is like buying bitcoin at $17,000. They might increase in value, but there is a way to fall. Probably not enough depth to get into the playoffs.

10. PlazaPlayas (predicted record: 4-9)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 11th, but finished in 7th with a 6-7 record before losing in the first round of the playoffs. For the Playas, the season was a resounding sucess. After that epically bad draft, all teams finishing below the Playas should be ashamed of themselves.

2018 Outlook: Every year, it seems like we proclaim the Playas to have the worst draft. This is again the case, unless Zeke plays Ladainian Tomlinson. The Playas spent too much of the draft trying to sabotage the technology of the live draft and eating store-bought guacamole. And now they are paying for it with Dion Lewis as a starting RB.

11. teen stars (predicted record: 4-9)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 5th, but had an abominable season, finishing last at 2-11. The 2017 preview claimed "no team of such potential busts has ever been compiled." The potential was fulfilled mightly.

2018 Outlook: After a horrible 2017, the teen stars have only one way to go. Right? Well, as of this printing they are starting a FOX television analyst at RB, and that won't get them many points in our current scoring format. They may be saved by having the first overall pick in the draft and getting Gurley, which is pretty much a sure thing, but their front office seems to be like a the wild west of the cryptocurrency market.

12. NBTU (predicted record: 4-9)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 6th with a 7-6 record last year. Actually finished with a 6-7 record, but it was only good for 10th place.

2018 Outlook: The NBTUs built their starndard team of reusable players. Typically those that have names which start with "Le" or "De." It's an exercise very similar to the application of technical analysis to cryptocurrency values. It's kind of interesting and fun, but there is an element of detachment from reality. What is very real is that the 2nd overall pick, LeVeon Bell, is holding out until he can get paid for his future value. Maybe in bitcoins.