2017 Season Preview

The sixteenth year of The League is upon us. American Ninja Warrior (ANW) is sponsoring the preview this year! For those that don't watch it, competitors go through an obstacle course with different challenges (with names like the Pole Grasper, which I'm sure is a favorite of the Birds). And if they fall, it's usually into water.

Just like last year's preview, I included the hilarious Yahoo draft grades at the bottom for comparison.

1. Metrosexuals (predicted record: 10-3)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 3rd, but finished 10th with a 6-7 record.

2017 Outlook: The Metros are now the oldest franchise to have never been to the Buddy Bowl. And no team likes more than the Metros to prove that being picked first in these previews is a curse. I believe this is their third time being picked to win it all. Per the usual, the Metros had a stellar draft. The Metros are like that competitor that looks great through the course and then just can't get up the Warped Wall.There's not really an explanation. This has got to be the year they get at least to the Buddy Bowl.

2. LOTFW (predicted record: 9-4)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 5th, and actually finished 4th with a playoff win over the JmBs.

2017 Outlook: The LOTs are truly the enemies of Season Preview humor. They always have solid drafts and there's not much to ridicule. However, Bilal Powell in the fifth round could provide comedy later on in the season, and there are three Lions on the roster which should help keep their win totals in check. It's unknown how serious ODB's injury is, but it may have been a coup to get him at the 12th spot.

3. Ladybirds (predicted record: 8-5)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 9th, but actually won the regular season title with a 10-3 record and lost in the Buddy Bowl. I can't believe I got one wrong!

2017 Outlook: A lot of ANW competitors have t-shirts with their self-appointed nicknames, so I can see a t-shirt here with "Feel Good Story". The Birds rarely put together strong consecutive seasons, so they are working against history here. But their draft got stronger as it went on, and they got David Carr's brother somehow six rounds after taking Marcus Mariota. The Birds will probably cruise through the early part of the season, but like so many competitors on the ANW course, they will run out of gas on the Double Salmon Ladder. While that sounds like the sushi tower of the Birds' dreams,it means that the Birds lack the star power to get up to the final buzzer.

4. Cougars (predicted record: 8-5)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 2nd, but finished in 8th place with a 6-7 record and a first round loss to the Birds. The Cougars went streaking with alternating winning and losing streaks all season of at least three games each.

2017 Outlook: After dominating the league over the course of winning 3 rings, the Cougs are now 22-30 over the last four seasons. It's time to change things up for the Cougs. Like going up to a new obstacle for the first time, the Cougs are trying to make a go of it with two rookie RBs. It is entirely possible that the JJs was serving as an advisor during the draft. There is an obastacle called the Ultimate Cliffhanger, and that's what Cam Netwon's season will be like. It could make or break the Cougs.

5. teen stars (predicted record: 8-5)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 6th and to NOT become the first repeat champion. They finished in 7th and won a playoff game and did not repeat. Had won 9 games straight going into last season, but then promptly dropped four of five.

2017 Outlook: No team of such potential busts has ever been compiled. After several years of success, the teen stars are like the competitor that finally got a video package put together for them and they look all-world at the beginning of the course. And then have their hands slip on Rolling Pin. All you have to do is hold on! The team looks on paper like it will get some easy wins, but all of these players look ready to bust (like Jay Ajayi and Demaryius Thomas). Except for one; Mark Ingram, who has already reached max bust-ation. But if they don't bust, there could be ten wins here.

6. NBTU (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 10th with a 4-9 record last year. Actually finished 11th with a 4-9 record.

2017 Outlook: ANW loves to promote the first time a female does anything, and the NBTUs were the first female team to win a Buddy Bowl. The NBTUs got most of their draft targets--i.e., primarily players whose name starts with De or Le and former members of the franchise. The RB situation is dubious, but they're not the only team with that strategy.

7. 1227 (predicted record: 6-7)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 7th with a 6-7 record, but they actually finished 9th with a 6-7 record. They missed the playoffs by less than 2 points.

2017 Outlook: The season could be like riding the Double Dipper for the 1227s. Some big ups and big downs. They undoubtedly have the best RB combination with Johnson and Gurley, but they have severly violated one of the cardinal rules of the league; if you want to win, don't draft Cardinals, 49ers, Rams and Redskins. Nearly half of the roster is made up of these types. The 1227s have gone 16-23 over the last three seasons. No matter what the roster looks like, the team is due to revert to the mean and have a top-4 finish.

8. The F*** Buddy Ryans (predicted record: 6-7)

Last Season: Predicted to finish in last place last season. What better way to send a team off to winning a championship? The FBRs looked like a last place unit as they lost in weeks 8 through 12, but won their first Buddy Bowl when they beat the Birds.

2017 Outlook: The FBRs have been falling down into the water at the end of the course for years, but finally punched the buzzer for the first time last season. Fresh on that momentum, the FBRs turned over their repeat effort to the autodrafter. Le'Veon Bell and Michael Thomas = good. Two Redskins WRs in their top 5 picks = debacle. Living fossil Frank Gore is back on the FBRs. But use caution on the course; if he falls in the water he will dissolve.

9. JoeMorrisBavaros (predicted record: 5-8)

Last Season: Predicted to win the league last year, but finished 7-6 with a loss in the first round of the playoffs. Hey, it's a big accomplishment to make the playoffs after getting picked first in this preview.

2017 Outlook: The JmBs is all-in on the "it's a passing league" mantra. A-Rod was taken in the first round and AP is the only real RB. This could be like the ANW competitor with huge arms and puny legs that just gets stuck in the middle of an obstacle. Now that I'm writing this, it actually could end up looking more like Most Extreme Elimination Challenge by the end of the season. I can see Gronk jumping out from behind foam hippos to throw little dudes like McCaffrey and Sproles into the water.

10. Wisey’s Bums (predicted record: 4-9)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 11th last year, but finished 3rd. The outperformance was quickly rectified in the playoffs by getting upset by the FBRs in the first round.

2017 Outlook: This must be the year the Bums finally miss the playoffs. They have pressed their luck too far with this group of degenerates. Jamaal Charles, Janikowski, Elliott. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. The Bums have some decent talent, but with Zeke's suspension, the Bums are going to be stuck swinging helplessly in the middle of the season like a dope on the rope at the end of the Parkour Run. Just won't have enough at the end of the season.

11. PlazaPlayas (predicted record: 4-9)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 8th, but finished in last after dropping their last six games in a row. Time and guacamole (not necessarily in that order) can heal all things.

2017 Outlook: Oh my Christ, that draft. Taking a kicker in the second round and then players that are out for the year?! While autodrafter can be blamed, some of this was even beyond the laws of autodrafter. Somehow, though, the team doesn't look terrible after a slew of preseason add/drops. This is like falling on the first obstacle and being able to regain composure enough to make an attempt at success. Tom Brady has a lot of work to do and Adam Vinatieri better start kicking 80 yard FGs. The Playas and Valyrians play each other twice, so that will likely determine our caboose here.

12. Valyrian Steelers (predicted record: 3-10)

Last Season: N/A

2017 Outlook: Rookies tend to look past the early challenges and pay the price. Take your eyes off the Broken Bridge and you'll end up soggy. Rookies also try to do things a bit differently, like on ANW they might try going through an obstacle backwards. The Valyrians literally have no real starting RBs. I'm not sure if that has ever worked in this league, but we'll find out. What we have found out is that this roster is a who's who of Ancient Aliens. Big Ben was building Stonehenge around the time DeSean Jackson was building nuclear power plants in Egypt (known to the uninitiated as the great pyramids).