2015 Season Preview

trump

It's time to give the season preview in plain American. And the plainest American is spoken by Donald Trump. Who will be winners? And who will be losers? The Donald decides.

Just like last year's preview, I included the Yahoo draft grades at the bottom for comparison.

1. Metrosexuals (predicted record: 10-3)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 7th and actually finished 5th. Rather quietly, the Metros came within about half a point of getting to their first Buddy Bowl.

2015 Outlook: I love their draft. There’s not a Mexican or Chinese in the lot. Of course, the Metros always draft great but have some problems inspiring their teams during the season. Or maybe it’s just they don’t get the focus that his other teams get. I know how hard it is to be focused when you’re a billionaire real estate mogul, beauty pageant producer, president of the U.S., father of the year, TV show star, and fashion designer. But somehow, if I can still be the best at each of these, I think the Metros can manage to get his team to the Buddy Bowl once every 13 years.

2. NBTU (predicted record: 9-4)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 8th and actually finished 6th. A playoff rampage got them to their second Buddy Bowl ever.

2015 Outlook: I love doubling down on the Cowboys. They’re an American classic like me. I see the team went with three players with Andre in their names. That’s they type of thing the NBTUs are known for. Just like I'm known as the highest luxury brand. And just like LeSean McCoy is known for calling every team in the league a racist for not drafting him.

3. JoeMorrisBavaros (predicted record: 8-5)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 3rd and actually won the regular season title. Again! But then lost to the 8th seed in the first round of the playoffs.

2015 Outlook: Great hair, a comeback story, a New York City folk hero, and personal best friends with Peyton Manning. Me or the JmBs? Both! The JmBs are winners of small things. I like winners of big things though. Getting to the playoffs is a minimal expectation at this point.

4. Cougars (predicted record: 8-5)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 9th and miss the playoffs. They only made the playoffs by a little more than 1 point in the standings in the closest playoff race of all time. And then went on to be the first 8-seed to win a playoff game and then won Buddy Bowl XIII.

2015 Outlook: I really love the Cougars. They’re champions like an average of every other year. I’m a champion every year, but they’re the closest thing to me in this league. But I don’t love that they took a Denver RB so early. CJ Anderson might be another in a long line of disappoints. A bit like my casinos. And it’s a gamble for the Cougs. Matty Ice too. Gronk is a sure thing. He's a winner and is alone worth 4 wins a season.

5. PlazaPlayas (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 11th and actually finished 12th. I thought the homemade guacamole during the draft would cost about 10 losses, and that’s exactly what happened.

2015 Outlook: Call me crazy, but I like this team. There’s no depth, though. A couple things go wrong, and it’s going to be all over. So they need to get stay healthy. Build a wall around that starting line-up, first thing. Second, keep Rosie O’Donnell away from them. She’s a monster.

6. Wisey’s Bums (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 12th and actually finished 7th – making the playoffs over the teen stars by about 2 points. The Bums get to keep their playoff streak alive, but they lost in the first round.

2015 Outlook: I like Tom Brady. He’s like me; we both married models and haters say that we don’t have great fashion sense. But once again, the Bums filled their roster with players that aren’t even going to be playing week 1. I don’t get it. But I’m glad to see Fitzgerald was brought back. He’s basically to the Bums what Dennis Rodman is to me. The losers at Yahoo again gave the Bums the a terrible draft grade.

7. The F*** Buddy Ryans (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 6th and actually finished 2nd, and had the same record as the JmBs, but fell to 2nd on points. And a good thing because they got to beat the Bums in the first round, rather than face the Cougs.

2015 Outlook: The FBRs are basically what the best USFL team is to the NFL. They might be great, but they can’t win the Lombardi trophy. It’s not allowed. I built the best football team ever seen, but the USFL was shut down before they could take the field. Philip Rivers would have been a third-stringer on that team. I see that situation lasting about as long as my marriage to Marla Maples.

8. 1227 (predicted record: 6-7)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 1st and actually finished 11th. Where did it go wrong? Maybe taking Montee Ball 13th overall. He’s now at Hess.

2015 Outlook: Let’s be honest, the 1227s were not winners last year. They have the heart of a champion, but some really bad players last year. This year, they loaded up with players from my favorite team and personal friend, the Giants. As go Eli and ODB, so will go the 1227s. I think they’ll bounce back this year and show the haters and losers a thing or two. Even my Atlantic City casinos might have a bad year every once in a while.

9. Ladybirds (predicted record: 5-8)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 4th and actually finished 3rd, before getting bounced out of the playoffs in the first round.

2015 Outlook: Yahoo thinks the Birds have the best team. They got some Toyota award. I think Toyota is really bad and has taken a lot of jobs from Americans. But I think the Birds will alright and they’re a playoff team. Will they be the best? If they were in the boardroom, I’d have to ask them if they really think Ameer Abdullah and a 49ers RB are the right group to get them to the Buddy Bowl. Personally, I think they’re losers.

10. Jerks (predicted record: 4-9)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 5th and actually finished 4th. Nice finish for a new team, except for that matter of a 65-point loss in the first round of the playoffs.

2015 Outlook: I thought I fired this team after last season? They had a great draft position, so they got one good player. I’m not sure what is going on with the rest of the team. I will say that I hate those WRs. They were okay during the Clinton administration, but things have changed. The team was impressive after getting to the playoffs in their first season, but I don’t see things going great for them.

11. LOTFW (predicted record: 4-9)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 2nd and actually finished 10th. Clearly the previews last year weren’t too good.

2015 Outlook: Frank Gore? Roddy White? Big Ben? They were all guests on my first season of The Apprentice when we did our Old Men of the NFL episode. That was 10 years ago. However, Amari Cooper makes me more excited than my line of matching gold cuff links and tie tacks, which are now exclusively available on eBay, since I decided Macy’s wasn’t high brow enough.

12. teen stars (predicted record: 3-10)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 10th and actually 9th. One-and-a-quarter more points somewhere over the course of the season and they would have been in the playoffs.

2015 Outlook: People tell me a wall won’t work. The Buddy Bowl has built a wall to keep the teen stars out. And it’s worked. This year? I’m going to be honest. I didn’t know half these guys are still in the league. Crabtree? Boldin? Jonathan Stewart? Terrible. Who drafted this team? They got an A from Yahoo? I give them an F. My sons give them Fs, too. It’s a tough one, but I have no choice but to say they’ll finish last this year.

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