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Week 13 Previews

This week is brought to you by, the History Channel. After this week, another regular season is in the books. It's history. Oh yeah. Sadly, there will be more historically factual content in these previews than on the History Channel. Great season everyone. Thank you.

Cougars (5-7) vs. NBTUs (6-6) -- This game has the most playoff implications of any this week. A game with this much historical significance will definitely get coverage on The History Channel between episodes of other historical shows like MonsterQuest and Hairy Bikers. The NBTUs win, and they're in. Even if they lose, they just need to score more than 30 points more than the 1227s and teen stars. The Cougs also control their own destiny, but if they lose, they'll miss the playoffs for the first time ever if the teen stars or 1227s win. The Cougs won an epic (well, epic until there was a rash of high-scoring games over the next couple weeks) showdown with the NBTUs 135-113 in week 2. NBTUs by 4.

Metrosexuals (7-5) vs. teen stars (5-7) -- The Metros are in the playoffs, but the teen stars have some work to do, and need some luck. Teen stars have to win to have a chance, and they need either the Cougs to lose, or if the Cougs beat the NBTUs, the teen stars need to score more than 34 points more than the NBTUs. Now would be the time for Arian Foster to make up for those first four games he missed (and the teen stars lost). Metros won the week 2 meeting, 115-95. teen stars by 2.

LOTFW (7-5) vs. PlazaPlayas (3-9) -- Sort of like those gun shooting shows on the History Channel, it is highly unlikely that anyone will be paying attention to this game long enough to care who wins. The LOTs are in the playoffs, the Playas are out. The only thing of consequence is whether this inaugural edition of the Playas will finish the season ahead of the rival Birds. A win assures it. LOTs won in week 2, 117-94. Playas by 1.

Ladybirds (3-9) vs. Georgetown Hos (10-2) -- And here is the other end of the equation of who will finish last in the league. This has been a hellish season for the Birds -- and the History Channel has identified several locations on earth where hell actually is. The Birds must be in one of these locations because they have been incapabable of returning phone calls for the last month or so. More importantly, cheers to the Hos for their first ever regular season championship! Birds shockingly scored 92 points in week 2 vs the Hos, but still lost by 28 points. Hos by 15.

1227s (5-7) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (7-5) -- The JMBs showed in week 2 that this season was going to be different when they beat the 1227s by 25 points. Ancient alien theorists are having a field day with the JmBs making the playoffs. Aside from the pyramids being nuclear generators and Noah's boat being a spacecraft, the only thing more explainable by the intervention of extraterrestrials is the JmBs making the playoffs. Lost in all this is that the 1227s desperate hope for the playoffs. They need to win and have the Cougars lose, without the teen stars also winning while outscoring the 1227s. Or they need the Bums or NBTUs to lose while also scoring a ton of points. JmBs by 4.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (8-4) vs. Wisey's Bums (6-6) -- Not much to see here. The FBRs have again made the playoffs for the 4th straight season, and the Bums are in good shape for their 10th straight appearance. For the Bums to miss the playoffs, they need to lose and have the teen stars or 1227s win and score more than 60 points than the Bums. FBRs easily beat the Bums in week 2. Probably more of the same this week. Although, the FBRs are starting somebody called Riley Cooper so it appears they are resting some players. FBRs by 4.

Week 12 Previews

Happy Thanksgiving!

Where there is need for a football talent, where there is need for a man of few words, and where there is need for an all-American on an all-American holiday... there is Ryan Leaf. Please welcome guest previewer, Ryan Leaf.

LOTFW (7-4) vs. NBTU (5-6) -- Tim Tebow?! This never would have flown when I was in the league. Dude can't even throw. All he does is run around. Eric Crouch is spinning in his grave that he never got a chance to play like that. He's a QB that was before his time. Another QB that was before his time was Ryan Leaf. LOTs won a shoot-out in week 1, 98-97. NBTUs in a must win to keep playoff hopes alive. LOTs by 2.

Ladybirds (3-8) vs. Wisey's Bums (5-6) -- If this game was on the radio, it would be in like 87.7 or 87.8 where it's all Mexican stations and nobody cares. Bums won in week 1, 67.73-66.35. Even a dummy could have seen that this was a preview for the whole season for these two. Birds are essentially eliminated from playoff chase, but Bums probably need to win this game due to game with FBRs looming next week. Bums by 3.

1227s (5-6) vs. Georgetown Hos (9-2) -- The Hos won the first time these teams met, and haven't looked back since. They are nearly assured of winning their first regular season championship after rising to the occasion in last week's game against the FBRs. The 1227s are fighting to get into the playoffs. They would have been better picking me up than Josh Freeman. I worked a lot on my arm strength when I was in prison. Hos by 6.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (7-4) vs. PlazaPlayas (3-8) -- If I had the same team Aaron Rodgers has, I would have won 5 Buddy Bowls by now. He's okay I guess, but I never would have lost with that roster. The FBRs won in week 1 in the Playas first franchise game. They have turned things around recently, but it's probably too late for the playoffs. But they really just want to finish ahead of the Birds. Just like I just want to wake up alive each day. FBRs by 5.

JoeMorrisBavaros (6-5) vs. teen stars (5-6) -- The JmBs got off to their usual good start by thrashing the teen stars in week 1, and shockingly they didn't start playing terrible immediately thereafter. Instead, they waited 8 weeks. They are now in danger of missing the playoffs. The teen stars lost their first 5, and are now competing for the playoffs. Crazy-ass world. Probably the most important game of the week. Need make sure I'm sober for it. teen stars by 2.

Cougars (5-6) vs. Metrosexuals (6-5) -- Cougars are in a downward spiral. Maybe Javon Ringer can turn the team around like I've turned my life around. Metros won 127-85 in week 1. Remember when they were supposed to be the best team in the league? Haha. Just like Peyton being picked first in our draft over me, only history can prove people wrong. And just like picking between me and Peyton in the draft, this game is a toss-up. Metros by 1.

Week 11 Previews

In honor of the new release of Achtung Baby covers, I've assigned a name of a song from the album to each of this week's games. Yeah, it's late in the season and I'm at the bottom of barrel. Time to find a new barrel.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (7-3) vs. Georgetown Hos (8-2) -- One -- Check out this headline act. Only one of these teams can win the regular season title, and this game will probably weigh heavily on that outcome. The Hos have already clinched a playoff berth, which is their first since 2008. The FBRs are already the only team to win back-to-back regular season championships, and now they're going for three in a row. The Hos are 9-3 all-time vs the FBRs. FBRs by 3.

JoeMorrisBavaros (6-4) vs. Ladybirds (2-8) -- Mysterious Ways -- It doesn't get much more mysterious than the two-time champion Birds being the worse team in the league, while a team that had never won more than four wins in a season is two games out of first with three to play. Another mystery is why the Birds are starting Marion Barber. Was Tyrone Wheatley unavailable? In all of this, don't underestimate the JmBs. If any team can go from 6-2 to missing the playoffs, it's the JmBs. The Birds lead the lifetime series 6-1. JmBs by 5.

Cougars (5-5) vs. LOTFW (6-4) -- Until the End of the World -- That's likely how long the LOTs feel it's going to be until they can beat the Cougs. The LOTs haven't beaten the Cougs in four tries, including in the first round of last year's playoffs. Speaking of the end of the world, that's what it will take to get Tony Gonzales to retire. I know I ripped on his agedness last week, but he's old. He's too old. Cougs (again) by 4.

teen stars (5-5) vs. NBTU (4-6) -- Acrobat -- The teen stars must be an acrobat to lose five straight and then win like that. In another circus act, the NBTUs twisted almost 100 points out of a line-up featuring Maurice Morris last week. teen stars lead lifetime series 7-3. teen stars by 1.

1227s (4-6) vs. Metrosexuals (6-4) -- So Cruel -- The Metros would not succumb to the Season Preview curse, so I kept bringing it up every week until the Metros finally fell into disarray. Bwahahaha! It's almost as cruel as the 1227s getting loaded up with hated Eagles by the autodrafter, to then only have those players suck. 1227s lead 7-5 in lifetime series. Metros by 7.

PlazaPlayas (3-7) vs. Wisey's Bums (4-6) -- Zoo Station -- Well, more like Animal Farm; this is crazy. The Bums have never missed the playoffs, and are now only one game ahead of the surging PlazaPlayas who looked like they couldn't beat a pinata three weeks ago. The Playas could suddenly be in the playoff picture with a third consecutive win. The newest exhibit at the Zoo is the Ochocinco habitat. You thought he was extinct, but he's actually in the starting line-up. Wild. Bums by 3.

Week 10 Previews

RIVALRY WEEK

Yahoo did a pretty good job of setting us up for our Rivalry Week. Yahoo, you get a Jumbone.

Wisey's Bums (4-5) vs. Georgetown Hos (7-2) -- Bums lead 7-6 lifetime. The Bums have won two in a row (!) while the Hos have dropped two in a row. However, the Bums will probably not get the pleasure of seeing Chris Ogoingoboingo in the Hos starting line-up like the Playas did last week. Hos by 4.

JoeMorrisBavaros (6-3) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (6-3) -- FBRs lead 6-1. The Thrillage in the Village! For once! The Thrillage has been a one-sided affair in the past, but this game has some real ramifications. It could actually effect playoff seeding. Yahoo! is projecting them both at 100 points. A true Rivalry Week showdown. I can't even find anyone on the JmBs to make fun of. What has this world come to? FBRs by 1.

Cougars (5-4) vs. PlazaPlayas (2-7) -- First meeting. Finally. Some think that the Playas should have been awarded the Cougars franchise three years ago. Now we'll get to the have the score settled officially. The big win and Jumbone for the Playas last week means they aren't going to catch anyone by surprise. Cougs by 3.

teen stars (4-5) vs. LOTFW (6-3) -- Lifetime series tied 6-6. The teen stars have won four straight after losing their first five. Maybe Arian Foster's return has something to do with that. The LOTs are the only team in the top five that seems like they can keep winning. Maybe Willis McGahee's 27 years of league experience have something to do with that. And Tony Gonzalez is still playing?! How have I missed that for nine weeks? LOTs by 4.

1227s (4-5) vs. NBTU (3-6) -- 1227s lead 7-3 lifetime. Well, we can't expect all the rivalries to line up. This one doesn't quite fit, but it is a crucial game for getting into the playoffs for these teams. Wait, this is the big Dexter McCluster v. BenJarvus Green-Ellis throwdown we've all been waiting for. The 1227s have lost three in a row. Don't see that very often. 1227s by 3.

Metrosexuals (5-4) vs. Ladybirds (2-7) -- Birds lead lifetime 6-4. But all of those wins came before the Birds became obsessed with Justin Beiber and Facebook, and basically became a 13 year old girl. A loss for the Birds may doom their playoff chances (although some may say that that happened on Aug 20 when they took Jamaal Charles in the first round). The Metros have fallen from grace, but they'll be in good shape with this win. Metros by 10.

Week 9 Previews

Happy Birthday to the 1227s and PlazaPlayas. It's also haiku week, brought to you by Greece, which believes that austerity should apply to weekly previews too.

Wisey's Bums (3-5) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (6-2) -- Oh no, Newton bye/Bradshaw breaks foot, curse sets in/Good thing playing Bums -- JmBs by 5.

Metrosexuals (4-4) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (6-2) -- Metros collapsing/Brady playing like Gisele/Prof game out of first -- FBRs by 3.

Cougars (5-3) vs. teen stars (3-5) -- Foster has shown up/Two winning streaks on the line/Cougs dealing with byes -- teen stars by 2.

PlazaPlayas (1-7) vs. Georgetown Hos (7-1) -- Best record and worst/Hos looking vulnerable/Rivers, Romo suck -- Playas by 1.

1227s (4-4) vs. LOTFW (5-3) -- Classic rivalry/LOTs have momentum/Vick might be big dog -- LOTs by 3.

NBTUs (3-5) vs. Ladybirds (1-7) -- Brees is difference/Birds too focused on Bieber*/This is rock bottom -- NBTUs by 3.

*A league source has indicated that the Birds would rather discuss the Justin Bieber paternity case than talk football. A once proud franchise, now in disarray.

Week 8 Previews

Happy Halloween!

1227s (4-3) vs. Cougars (4-3) -- The Cougs are the highest scoring team in the league and are averaging over 100 points a game. A weak outing last week (only 68 points) was more than plenty against the poor, gentle Birds. This isn't the best 1227s team ever, but it's the 1227s, which means they're as consistent good as a king-sized Three Musketeers (I was going to say Milky Way, but they're not always THAT good.). Cougs by 2.

LOTFW (4-3) vs. Ladybirds (1-6) -- The LOTs have enough injuries this week that this might actually be close. The Birds are wondering when this nightmare is going to be over. I heard that he woke up on Wednesday in a cold sweat, screaming, "my best player is a kicker!" Glad it was only a bad dream, he flicked on his iPad to check his line-up... Nooooo!!! LOTs by 5.

Wisey's Bums (2-5) vs. Metrosexuals (4-3) -- The Bums got an early Halloween trick last week when a stat correction (one point addition to the NBTU's defense), turned a narrow win into a narrow loss mid-week. The Bums now are faced with a must-win situation. The Metros have their own issues, evidenced by a three-game losing streak. Metros by 2.

NBTU (3-4) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (5-2) -- The NBTUs have new postseason hopes after the mid-week stat change that credited them with a 0.26 win over the Bums. The FBRs don't have Aaron Rodgers this week, and are starting Alex Smith instead. That's like replacing a Fun Dip (3-pack, not this recently invented single-pack rubbish) with a grapefruit. If the FBRs are hoping to 3-peat as regular season champs, they probably can't lose again. FBRs by 3.

PlazaPlayas (1-6) vs. teen stars (2-5) -- Oh boy. Not a lot of treats here. Especially Yahoo thinking Tebow is going to score more points than Philip Rivers. Arian Foster seems like he's going to start playing like the #1 overall pick. Good thing the PlazaPlayas have a good player to counterbalance him: LaRod Stephens-Howling. I say good because he has a good Halloween name, not because he is good at scoring points in fantasy football. stars by 3.

JoeMorrisBavaros (5-2) vs. Georgetown Hos (7-0) -- I saved the best for last. The Hos join the 2007 1227s (who won all their games) and the 2004 Metros, as the only teams to win their first 7 games. I think they are now looking more at the 1227 model, as the 2004 Metros went on to lose their next five of six. We keep waiting for the JmB's costume to be pulled off, and it be revealed that the team is actually being run by the matt's rexers. Prior to this season, you were more likely to see a ghost than see the JmBs win five games in a season. This is the first time. JmBs by 3. Boo!

Week 7 Previews

Peter King, what are you doing here? Don't you have some kiosks to raid in the Prudential Mall, or some inane and unsightful "columns" to write? Well, since you're not busy, take a stab at writing the weekly previews. They are usually formulaic, self-absorbed, and full of lies, so you should be a natural at it. Thanks.

Georgetown Hos (6-0) vs. Metrosexuals (4-2) -- Brett Favre just texted me. He said that he if he were on the Hos, they'd be 7-0. Too bad they didn't want him. Three weeks ago, this looked like a Buddy Bowl preview, but the Metros are in disarray, and don't have Tom Brady. The Hos pont output is weakening each week, but like a weakening hurricane, they will probably be able to swamp the flailing Metros. Hos by 11.

PlazaPlayas (1-5) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (4-2) -- New JmBs, meet the Old JmBs.The PlazaPlayas actually look a little better this week. The JmBs look weakened by byes and injuries, just like my columns are weakened by things like reality and truth and reader literacy. All the starters on these two teams are so boring that I don't accept their texts. JmBs by 1.

LOTFW (4-2) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (4-2) -- I texted Aaron Rodgers' petsitter last night, and she thinks that Rodgers is going to have a huge game. He's playing the Vikings, so this isn't surprising. If they still had Favre, he'd probably sack Rodgers twice and pick him off four times. And also throw 12 touchdowns against the Packers, who screwed him out of playing and look where they are now. FBRs by 4.

1227s (4-2) vs. teen stars (1-5) -- I think I think that the 1227s are playing better. And I think I think the teen stars don't get to play the Birds every week, so I doubt they are going to win many games. I'm a bloody football genius. Tim Tebow has the best chance of joining me and Favre in a threesome. We're going golfing in Denver next week, so maybe he could join after he gets back from beating Miami. 1227s by 5.

Cougars (3-3) vs. Ladybirds (1-5) -- I had a great omlette at the Best Western last week. I'm going to write about it because somehow that is somehow acceptable in my "job." It had onions, cheddar cheese, shavings from Brett Favre's neck hair, and bacon. How bad are things for the Birds? They have always warned against starting any Redskins; this week 30% of their line-up consists of Skins. Cougars by 10.

NBTU (2-4) vs. Wisey's Bums (2-4) -- The teen stars and 1227s are playing, and so are the NBTUs and Bums. Could be trouble on the homefront! Not for me; I was alone in a Turkish bath with Favre last night, and it was magical, so no problems there. The Bums continue to trot out a parade of players that have never seen action in the BRAS League. This game could decide which team gets in the playoffs and which doesn't. NBTUs by 3.

Week 6 Previews

Just like the Occupy Wall Street gatherings, these previews are a little pointless, a lot unorganized, and you'll probably lose interest long before they're done.

Georgetown Hos (5-0) vs. NBTU (2-3) -- I think it is only right that the top 1% distribute their wealth to the other 99%. Therefore, I will use my Commission powers to distribute the Ho's 11 best players to the rest of the League. It's only fair. We'll see if the Hos can remain undefeated on the backs of Cadillac Williams and Jackie Battle. The NBTUs biggest wildcard, BenJarvis Green-Ellis, turned the JmBs back into the JmBs last week. Hos by 6.

Metrosexuals (4-1) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (3-2) -- These two are usually on the BRAS League bread line, but this year they've become tycoons. Both suffered setbacks last week, but Tom Brady gets to play Dallas this week, so he could score 40 points. In the spirit of Occupy Wall Street, I think the Metros should bench Brady because he gives them an unfair advantage against the historically downtrodden and repressed JmBs -- even though playing Denarious Moore is a nice concession. JmBs hit the glass ceiling. Metros by 1.

Cougars (2-3) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (4-1) -- A great, randomly scheduled showdown. The free-market works! Will Aaron Rodgers be able to pull the trigger against his former team? Will Adrian Peterson have solid back-to-back weeks for the first time in his career? Pierre Thomas is still in the league? Cougs by 2.

1227s (3-2) vs. PlazaPlayas (1-4) -- The Playas had huge upset last week, but it was against the Metros, who clearly have some issues handling their new-found wealth. Well, the 1227s are not New Money. They do not get taken by surprise by the likes of Ted Ginn and Torrey Smith. This would be a real upset. 1227s by 10.

teen stars (0-5) vs. Ladybirds (1-4) -- The teen stars usually get into the playoffs with obscenely low point totals. This year, they have scored more than three other teams, yet are winless. Life in the BRAS League is not fair. Must be time to make a homemade sign and march around in a park. Speaking of signs, the Birds have one that was also seen at the Occupy Wall Street gathering; The Light at the End of the Tunnel has Been Turned Off. teen stars by 4.

LOTFW (3-2) vs. Wisey's Bums (2-3) -- The LOTs are classically in the top 25-50%. They are taxing themselves as if they are in the 1% though, by playing Schaub against the Ravens. That's like giving points to the appropriately named Bums. How generous. The Bums are projected by Yahoo to score 98 points. I'm going to be like JPMorgan and bet against myself here, because there is something really wrong here. LOTs by 4.

Week 5 Previews

I only have a minute (per game) to win it. Oh boy, we all lose. Just like NBCs viewership does repeatedly.

Georgetown Hos (4-0) vs. LOTFW (3-1) -- Due to the weakness of some of the teams in the corners of this league, these two are probably already thinking about the playoffs. However, somebody should send a telegram to the Hos that loading up on Chiefs is probably not the best way to stay undefeated. LOTs by 2.

Metrosexuals (4-0) vs. PlazaPlayas (0-4) -- This could be ugly. There is so little chance of the Playas winning this game, that I actually think they will. If beating the Birds was their first priority, beating the Metros is probably next. Unfortunately, Torrey Smith is on a bye, the Playas will miss his .55 contribution this week. Playas by 4.

teen stars (0-4) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (3-1) -- Another game that shouldn't be close. Can Aaron Rodgers score more points than the entire teen stars team? But the FBRs are coming off a very emotional loss last week to the 1227s in the highest scoring game in league history. There's no telling what scoring 125 points and losing could do to a man. FBRs by 8.

1227s (2-2) vs. Ladybirds (1-3) -- The Birds finally got a W, and the 1227s went back to being the 1227s. Without the Baltimore defense though, it will be hard to overcome the firepower of Stevan Ridley and Scott Chandler. Ridley's Believe it or Not: Yahoo is projecting a Birds win. 1227s by 3.

NBTU (1-3) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (3-1) -- The JmBs had begun knitting a nice sweater of winning until the Commish went and pulled a thread last week by picking them to win. Now things are starting to unravel in typical JmB fashion as Andre Johnson is out, they are starting Big Ben, and they are playing the NBTUs who hold a 6-1 all time advantage over them. This game is a litmus test on whether these are the same old JmBs. NBTUs by 3.

Cougars (1-3) vs. Wisey's Bums (2-2) -- The Cougs are averaging 25 points per game more than the Bums and have a worse record. I think there is a reckoning coming. Adrian Peterson may go for 400 yards vs. the Cardinals. Cougars by 14.

Week 4 Previews

We have the honor this week of having the four biggest losers in the league playing each other. The only chance for these teams to win again this season may be against each other. It is basically their last-chace work-out.

Ladybirds (0-3) vs. PlazaPlayas (0-3) -- The only question is whether this will be more pathetic than the Kick-Off Classic between the Birds and Bums. The Playas have expressed that their season will be a success even if they only win this one game. They may get their wish and only their wish. Oh wait, they still get games against the Bums and teen stars, so maybe another win or two is in store. The Birds have learned something about throwing stones at other teams' QBs when the architect of your house is Ben Roethlisberger. Playas by 5.

teen stars (0-3) vs. Wisey's Bums (1-2) -- DeAngelo Williams is the first NFL player to have a contract that equates to $1 million for every fantasy point he scores. Looking at the teen stars line-up, it appears they didn't get begin drafting until the 5th round this year. But Neil Rackers is a pretty decent 5th round grab. teen stars by 1.

1227s (1-2) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (3-0) -- It seems as a reward for back-to-back regular season championships, the FBRs have basically been given 3 wins. Teams against them have scored an average of 66 points/game. The 1227s have owned the FBRs, leading the lifetime series 8-2, including a beatdown in the playoffs last year. It is pretty bizarre that this is only their 11th meeting in 10 years. It is only slightly more bizarre than the 1227s needing to pull for the Eagles to do well. FBRs by 7.

NBTU (1-2) vs. Metrosexuals (3-0) -- The NBTUs and Metros came into the league at the same time, and the NBTUs ring is becoming an antique while the Metros are still looking for a Buddy Bowl appearance. The Metros looked vulnerable last week against a tough LOT squad, but still seem to be a step ahead of everyone. The NBTUs need Brees-to-Meachem-touchdown! about three times. Or maybe the Patriots will have learned to run the ball after their humiliation last week, which would hurt the Metros and help the NBTUs. Metros by 6.

Cougars (1-2) vs. Georgetown Hos (3-0) -- How do the Cougs bounce back from losing to the JmBs after scoring 119 points (the highest ever by a losing team)? Playing against Kyle Orton is a good start. However, the Hos picked up McCluster in anticipation of this game, as he knows the Cougs system and has a bone to pick after getting cut by them last year, and word has it that he was not given a ring for his early-season contributions. Hos by 4.

JoeMorrisBavaros (3-0) vs. LOTFW (2-1) -- The three winningest teams in BRAS history have won bad Jumbones for the last three weeks. And the JmBs are undefeated. In a weekly previews dominated by the worst of the league, we are finally at the best game. The JmBs have some unfavorable match-ups this week, but they've clearly made some deal with el diablo, so anything is possible, and I won't pick against them till they lose. JmBs by 5.

Week 3 Previews

I have made a sponsorship deal with Dunkin Donuts to sponsor the week(s) every year when the Hos and teen stars play each other to commemorate the 2002 game between the two teams that ended in a 65-65 tie. This is the only tie the league has ever had (and likely will ever have). For their side of the deal, Dunkin Donuts has told me that they will switch the name of the Bowtie Donut to simply the Tie Donut for this week each year. And I get one for half price, if I buy one at full price.

teen stars (0-2) vs. Georgetown Hos (2-0) -- Outside of tie, the Hos lead the lifetime series 7-3. Between the two of them, there are almost enough players listed as questionnable to fill out a whole roster. If Arian Foster does not get healthy soon, he will likely go down as the biggest first-overall bust in league history. Too bad the teen stars don't have his back-up. I wonder which genius manager picked up Ben Tate before the season started (that would be the Bums). Hos by 8.

LOTFW (2-0) vs. Metrosexuals (2-0) -- The way the Metros are going, there aren't going to be many chances to hang an L on them this year. This may be one of them (and week 7 when Brady is on bye). The LOTs actually outscored the Metros last week. The Metros probably are still unbeatable at this point though. Metros by 3.

Ladybirds (0-2) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (2-0) -- A rematch of Buddy Bowl VIII. The FBRs are still looking for revenge from that game. But without Steven Jackson, the FBRs backfield looks like a tribute to the JJ. Thankfully for them, the Birds think Reggie Bush is starting material. FBRs by 4.

NBTU (0-2) vs. PlazaPlayas (0-2) -- The Playas have not had a nice welcoming from the League. In the first two games, only two teams have had more points scored against them than the Playas. One is the reigning champion Cougars, who teams get extra amped up for, and the other is the NBTUs, who seem to be afflicted by this over the last few seasons. The Playas are probably going to be waiting for their first franchise win until Ochocinco does something for them. Could be waiting a bit. NBTUs by 5.

JoeMorrisBavaros (2-0) vs. Cougars (1-1) -- The JmBs actually beat the Cougars in Week 1 last year. I guess that all the bulletin board material generated by the Cougars' trash talk during the draft was motivational for the JmBs. Too bad the JmBs don't have that fire this year because they think somebody else was actually trash talking under the Cougars moniker. The JmBs have never won their first two games. This is uncharted territory. Cougs by 2.

1227s (0-2) vs. Wisey's Bums (1-1) -- A rematch of Buddy Bowls II and VI (with each team winning one). Shockingly, the Wisey's Bums are 10-4 all-time versus the 1227s. These two teams have started the season 1-3... dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria! The state of the Bums can be summarized by the fact they are starting Cam Newton and somebody named David Nelson. 1227s by 2.

Week 2 Previews

This week, I found the computer that Yahoo uses to run their sophisticated models which give us their weekly point projections. I have included a picture of it above. It can also run a text-only version of Oregon Trail. This week's previews are basically man vs. machine. Deep Blue vs. Kasparov type stuff, only much more important.

JoeMorrisBavaros (1-0) vs. 1227s (0-1) -- The Yahoo computer models are showing the JmBs going to 2-0 and the 1227s falling to 0-2. Looking closer, this hypothesis is based partly on Percy Harvin scoring 7 points, which is how many yards recieving he had last game. But the JmBs are historically hot (of course a relative term when you're talking bout the JmBs) early in the season. I'm going to go against Yahoo on this one though. 1227s by 3.

NBTUs (0-1) vs. Cougars (0-1) -- The NBTUs were one Jacoby short of winning last week, and the Cougs got run over by the Metros. Yahoo has the Cougs winning by 17 points. Part of the premise: Matt Stafford scores more points than Drew Brees. Umm, not unless Brees catches dysentery. Nonetheless, the Cougs have too many favroable match-ups this week. Cougs by 5.

teen stars (0-1) vs. Metrosexuals (1-0) -- This game could get ugly. The bright spot for the league is that the Metros have Joseph Addai. But even Joseph Addai would be an improvement for the teen stars, who had three starting RBs combine for about 8 points last week. Here is one place that I agree with the Yahoo model. Tashard Choice will score about as many points this week as Tony Dorsett. Metros by 12.

Ladybirds (0-1) vs. Georgetown Hos (1-0) -- The Birds have a lot of prove after last week. Yahoo sees a lot to love though -- projecting them to get 93 points, only one week removed from having only one player score in double digits. If a team can quietly have a 100-point game, that was the Hos last week. The Hos rampaged back on Monday night to beat the 1227s -- who got no contribution from a hurt kicker. I'm going against Yahoo on this one, Hos by 4.

Wisey's Bums (1-0) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (1-0) -- The Bums didn't deserve to win last week, but the Birds has an utter collapse of the model. That unlikely win now puts their expected win total at 3 for the season.Yahoo thinks that Aaron Rodgers is only going to score 18 points against the same Carolina team that got blown up by Kevin Kolb last week. The only explanation is that the floppy disk with the Yahoo program on it must have gotten Fun Dip smeared on it. But I agree with Yahoo that the Prof will triumph. The FBRs by 2 on Monday night FGs.

LOTFW (1-0) vs. PlazaPlayas (0-1) -- The LOTs would be a lot scarier if Reggie Wayne had a better QB throwing to him -- somebody along the lines of Quincy Carter or Bubby Brister. Yahoo likes the Plazas to win by less than half a point, but they may be overstating Ochocinco's output (3.80 pts) by a multiple of 3. The PlazaPlayas may have to wait another week for the franchise's first win. I disrespectfully disagree with Yahoo. LOTs by 5.

Week 1 Previews

It seems like I hear "brevity is the soul of wit," about weekly. I think it is often mentioned by the witless. My take on it is that brevity can only be the soul of one thing at once, and that one thing is the weekly previews.

Ladybirds (0-0) vs. Wisey's Bums (0-0) -- The kick-off classic! The Bums won last year's forgettable meeting 85-58 and lead the Kick-off Classic series 4-3. The Bums also lead the all-time series, 10-9. This year it shouldn't be close though. The Bums are in disarray and have only one fewer add/drop than the whole rest of the league combined. The only hope is that the Birds overthink their QB situation. Birds by 13.

PlazaPlayas (0-0) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (0-0) -- Not a great franchise-opening draw for the Playas. Keep in mind that a franshise opening win is not unheard of, and doesn't always bode well -- the JmBs won their first ever game (the JmBs refer to it as "the good old day"). I think the FBRs will be singing "Vamos a la Playa, oh, oh,ohoh, oh!" all their way to a 1-0 start. FBRs by 9.

Georgetown Hos (0-0) vs. 1227s (0-0) -- The 1227s are heavily tied to the fates of the Saints and Eagles, which shouldn't be a bad thing. Meanwhile, the Hos have put together a RB corps that is the who's-who of "you're starting him?!" 1227s by 3.

Cougars (0-0) vs. Metrosexuals (0-0) -- The Metros have been predicted (season previews here) to win the whole thing and it starts with this game. Tom Brady and Chris Johnson may single-handedly score 60 points. All will not be lost for the Cougs, though. After all, the first game of their journey to Buddy Bowl IX last year started with a loss to the JmBs. Metros by 6.

NBTUs (0-0) vs. LOTFW (0-0) -- These two teams met in the first week of last season and the NBTUs did some horrible things to the LOTs. The score: 117-49. Ultimately, the LOTs made the playoffs and the NBTUs did not. The NBTUs are facing beloved ex-team member LeSean McCoy. The difference in this one will probably come down to Hightower versus BenJarvus. NBTUs by 2.

teen stars (0-0) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (0-0) -- It's too easy to think that the JmBs can continue their existence-long slump, but it must eventually end. But then you see Ryan Grant in the starting line-up and you realize that there is always next year to worry about winning. The teen stars always seem to do okay, but this may be the worst starting line-up ever put together by the autodrafter (when considering the injuries). Here's a BRAS first: I'm giving an over/under on this one -- 102. Yes, that is pity bowl territory. JmBs by 1.