Week 3 Previews
You may have thought the Cyber Ninjas' report on the Maricopa County audit was delayed because their one employee was just overwhelmed with all the voter fraud he was uncovering. Nope. It was because he was simultaneously auditing the BRAS League. And here are the findings, in the form of the week 3 preview. He doesn't know anything about American football or the NFL. But that's totally okay.
The Haboobs (1-1) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (0-2) -- How can Dak Prescott hit 26 home runs in week 1 and then only 4 the next week. That's unpossible. Somebody is hiding all those home runs that would have helped the Haboobs put away the Birds last week. Fraud! But it's clear that over the last two years, Dak is to the Haboobs as MikePillow guy is to common sense. Poison. The JmBs are in last place and looking for trades. Maybe his flag football team could be written into the lineup. Haboobs by 1.
Metrosexuals (1-1) vs. teen stars (1-1) -- The teen stars used a computer connected to the internet for their draft! It was pumped full of good picks due to hacking from Samoas living illegally in Hawaii. Who would have thought Lamar Jackson would put up a lot of goals? Mmmmm. Samoas. Here is the biggest fraud of all: the Metros got 31 points from a deceased player last week. I guess players declared dead after the previous week can still stuff the ballot box with 3-pointers?! I wonder how many other "Aaron Rodgers" are out there scoring points. Metros by 4.
Ladybirds (1-1) vs. Cougars (0-2) -- The Birds have said that they are the best team in the league and that only massive fraud will keep them from winning the 2021 Buddy Bowl. But they aren't getting enough points. We're trying hard to find the fraud. We really are. But it looks like it might just because they have no good QBs, TEs, 3rd WR, or 3rd RB. But we'll keep looking. The Cougs are coming off a week when only one player met their Yahoo projection. Reversion to the mean this week? Cougs by 2.
Valyrian Steelers (1-1) vs. Wisey's Bums (2-0) -- The Bums haven't started 3-0 since 2015. And the last time the Bums were relevant, Veterans Memorial Coliseum (host of the election audit) was still serving fire dogs, and hosting rodeos and Slipknot shows. How far it, and the Bums, have fallen. The Valyrians are averaging 120 points a game. They must be getting secret information somewhere. Right now, there is a hand recount of their points in which we'll be looking for evidence of fortune cookie wrappers. Valyrians by 5.
PlazaPlayas (1-1) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (0-2) -- The season previews pollsters picked the FBRs to finish first. So of course, they haven't won. But they aren't doing bad. All their points just haven't been counted yet. Alvin Kamara is a living, breathing hanging chad. The Playas have one of the worst kickers in the league. We can even count to his total points this season with one Cyber Ninja volunteer -- if they are allowed to use their toes too. Eleven points. FBRs by 2.
1227 (2-0) vs. NBTU (2-0) -- Saved the best for last. The best showdown of the week. But only because last week the NBTUs got a bunch of points on MONDAY! All these points counted after the games on Sunday. Fraudulent activity! The 1227s are of course, 2-0, and only a few points out of first. However, their RB situation is in more disarray than our documentation associated with any of our work. Well, it's not that bad. Montgomery did score 5 baskets last week. 1227s by 3.
Week 2 Previews
Please welcome back one of our first-ever sponsors... Hess! The partnership started when they were looking for more recruits like Ryan Leaf and Akili Smith to join their "management program" (which is code for stockers in the mini-marts). With such quality staff, I can't imagine how they are no longer around. But kind of like Toys R Us, they are a zombie company and still sell their toy trucks, which they clearly paid more attention to than their gas stations. That being said, they may be looking to hire -- not spokesmen so much as people to assemble the toys. They gave Josh Gordon a shot but he failed the drug test.
The Haboobs (1-0) vs. Ladybirds (0-1) -- Both teams are switching QBs this week after the QB they left on the bench last week was vastly superior. If the Birds had played Crab Legs last week, they would have won the Kick-Off Classic. However, this type of performance-chasing has hurt the Birds before. For instance, they still use Patriots players like it's 2017. The Haboobs had started out 2-1 last year, but things went into an abyss after they lost in week 4 to the Birds. Odell Beckham Jr is out this week with some injury, but I think we all know he has an interview for a certain management program this weekend. He's investing in his future. Haboobs by 3.
Metrosexuals (0-1) vs. PlazaPlayas (1-0) -- The Plazas followed up their strong draft with a 100 point game last week.When your QB (Kyler Murray) puts up half as many points as the other team's total, it's a good sign. The Plazas now have as many 100-point games as the Raiders of JJ franchise (and nobody loved Hess more than the JJs). Has anybody screamed "make me a Hess manager!" more than Aaron Rodgers? Granted, he's probably made enough money to not have to get paid to build toy trucks, but it seems like it might fit his lifestyle and appearance a bit better than being an NFL QB. Plazas by 1.
Wisey's Bums (1-0) vs. Cougars (0-1) -- The Cougs had a great game in week one and scored 117 points, but they had the misfortune of lining up across from the NBTUs. The Bums won, but the competition was, umm, less vigorous. The brand of the Bums is under threat of going the way of the Hess brand if they can't become relevant in playoff discussions again. Following up the win last week, AJ Green was sent to the Hess compound to explore other career paths. The Cougs could have won with playing different RBs last week, but it seems like it might be a season-long battle of finding the right mix. Cougs by 3.
Valyrian Steelers (1-0) vs. NBTU (1-0) -- Here is the game everybody is going to be watching. These teams combined for 285 points last week. In other words, that's about the quarter of a Bums season in points. The Valyrians game showed two things. One, they are for real (as the Season Preview suggested). Two, it is definitely time for Big Ben to join the Hess team. The NBTUs had the franchise's 50th 100-point game last week. They should put up a good fight, but there's not really a world where Jalen Hurts is going to beat Mahomes. Valyrians by 8.
JoeMorrisBavaros (0-1) vs. teen stars (0-1) -- And here is a game that only two people (or maybe not even that many) will be watching. The bad Jumbone last week could have been shared by these two. They had nearly identical outings. No matter how bad things get, one of these teams is going to be 1-1 on Tuesday. There may be a bit of a rivalry brewing here since the teams played twice last year (split the games) and now play twice this year. Not a big rivalry, but kind of like Hess vs Lukoil. The teen stars and their robot overlords got a big boost on Thursday when a player named McKissic scored 13 points. Whoever let Mr. JmB coach a flag football team better have had a history lesson in the governance and performance of the JmBs so that expectations among parents can be set accordingly. JmBs by 3.
1227 (1-0) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (0-1) -- We're right where we left off last year. The 1227s are winning and the FBRs are losing. The FBRs bench looks like a Who's Who of Hess management trainees. They need Kamara to have a four TD game. And Russ Wilson is playing the Tennessee Oilers who gave up 5 TDs to Kyler Murray, so Wilson should be good for 30 points. The 1227s roster doesn't really don't look that scary, but like the Hess toy truck every Christmas, you know it's inevitably going to be good when it all comes together. 1227s by 2.
Week 1 Previews
Once again, it is time for what you have wished away the last 8 months for... the weekly previews. Such scotch and candy corn-fueled insights and wit are unlocked only through this special internet page. It is the 20th year of the league and I thank everyone for making it an institution over that time. And for those that still can't find the Jumbone awards after 20 years in the league, they are in the top right-hand corner of this page. Good luck, all!
Wisey’s Bums vs. Ladybirds -- Kick-off Classic! It is the annual tradition. The Bums won last year's game and the teams are seemingly alternating seasons -- so it will be the Birds this year. The game last year was an amazing 104-102 shootout. It set the tone for the season in that the Bums felt they didn't need to play any more after that. Tom Brady's old bones get rolled out once again, while the Birds bring out the mummy of Matt Ryan. Combined age of the two QBs is easily going to exceed the number of points scored in this game. Birds by 4.
Metrosexuals vs. 1227 -- A proper duel to start the season since the teams had the two highest point totals last year. Also there was that matter of the 1227s becoming the first BRAS team to repeat as champions. The Metros have not won a Buddy Bowl yet, but their late season swoons seem to be a thing of the past. However, they remain stricken with Kraftitis, as there are breakouts of Patriots all over the team. 1227s have some wildcard players like the law firm of Montgomery, Herbert & Henderson. This will be a good test for both teams. 1227s by 3.
NBTU vs. Cougars -- The NBTUs look built to provide more a challenge than in recent years, while the Cougs last ring is now 7 years old. The NBTU's Jones boys (Aaron and Marvin) take on the Cougs family Robinson (Allen and James). It will probably come down to QBs. Is Hurts going to actually be a real QB and will Stafford play consistently now that he's on a real team? NBTUs out to a fast start with Cooper pulling off a heist of 25 pts on Thursday night. NBTUs by 5.
JoeMorrisBavaros vs. PlazaPlayas -- The Plazas only won 5 games last year, but one was against the eventual Buddy Bowl participant JmBs. And one of the Plaza players didn't even play. The Plazas are stronger this year and the JmBs may be dealing with expectation fatigue as the team chases it's first ring. An early warning sign for the Plazas is that Zeke did not look like the dynamic runner he once was. Maybe some homemade guacamole is just what is needed. The JmBs left 20 points on the bench with Gronk. Time for another negroni. JmBs by 2.
Haboobs vs. teen stars -- The Haboobs have never beaten the teen stars. Or nine other teams. The autodrafter has set up the teen stars nicely, but the team will likely rise and fall with Lamar Jackson. The Haboobs are taking it cautiously with Dak Prescott after he basically killed their season last year. But he looked great on their bench on Thursday night. Meanwhile Ronald Jones II played football like you'd expect someone named Ronald to play. Negative points. Maybe Dungeons & Dragons would be a better fit. Haboobs by 3.
Valyrian Steelers vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans -- The scheduling gods did a nice job with this one. Let me take you back to week 13 of last year. And kids, back in the old times, there were only 13 games in the regular season and not 14 like today -- or like there were in the really olden times in the days of the matt's rexers. Anyway, two teams played each other for the last playoff spot. And lo, it was these two teams. The Valyrians beat the FBRs for the second time in the season, 98-91. The Valyrians have gotten out of the gate fast in this one as Antonio Brown had 15 points on Thurs. The FBRs have not only last year's demons to beat, but also an early deficit. Russell Wilson will need to throw several TDs and none to someone named Tyler Lockett. FBRs by 4.