2013 Season Preview

I’ve heard much tell about these social networks on the computer and thought it seemed like a trend to get in front of. So, I bring you the 2013 Season Preview, complete with the social network that best suits each team.

1. 1227 (predicted record: 10-3)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 9th (2012 Season Preview), and actually finished 8th – an uncharacteristically down season for the 1227s, but they turned a horrible autodrafted team into a playoff team.

2013 Outlook: The 1227s took a RB and QB 1-2 in the draft, after not getting either position until round 6 last year. As long as they steer clear of injuries their top 4 should keep them in every game this year.

Network: Flickr. A lot of pictures from success in years gone by, which seem distant after the last two outings. And also that photograph of Frank Gore and Peyton playing together when they were youngsters – with General Burnside and WT Sherman in the background discussing how to take Atlanta.

2. LOTFW (predicted record: 9-4)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 5th, and actually finished 1st – finally won a playoff game… actually their first three playoff games and were crowned champions of Buddy Bowl XI.

2013 Outlook: It must be mentioned that no team has ever won back-to-back Buddy Bowls. I’m not loving the average age of the top four players being 39, or that there are people on the roster I’ve never heard of, but I do know that there was a wailing and gnashing of teeth in Boston when Kenbrell Thompkins was taken.

Network: LinkedIn. It tends to be for the older, more business-like crowd, which is how I would describe this LOTs team. However, a lot of employers I don’t like on this resume, such as teams from Ohio, the Titans, Rams, and Jets.

3. Georgetown Hos (predicted record: 8-5)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 4th, and actually finished 9th – the target on your back gets pretty big when you’re the reigning champs.

2013 Outlook: I am incapable of understanding how the autodrafter picks a line-up like this after doing what it did to the teen stars (although Yahoo awarded both with top grades of A-). I see a very solid, well-distributed group of players. I’m so suspicious that the autodrafter assembled this team that I’d more readily believe that Terry Glenn logged in for the Hos (who had an alibi for missing the draft).

Network: Goodreads. Like a good book, the Hos keep us guessing. Will they win the league or be a pushover? The Herr Henkin Book Club’s weekly assignment is the reading and interpretation of Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos.

4. The F*** Buddy Ryans (predicted record: 8-5)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 2nd, and actually finished 3rd – third Buddy Bowl appearance in four years; always the bridesmaid… or the Jim Kelly.

2013 Outlook: Another good draft for the Prof, of course. Particularly the second half. The RB situation is unenviable, but it has been rumored that the same doctor who has reanimated Steve Smith is also bringing back Eddie George from the crypt. Or maybe Felix Jones can recreate his annual magic while in Dallas – 3 TDs, 4 Pulled Hamstrings.

Network: Facebook. The gold standard over the last four years, but never quite getting the respect they deserve. Always somebody meddling with their success – whether it’s the Winklevii or the LOTs. Predictable in that there will always be solid features until the one bad decision to take away somebody’s privacy – or bench Roddy White in the Buddy Bowl.

5. Metrosexuals (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 10th, and actually finished 10th – nailed it, but how did I predict them to win any games after taking Darren McFadden in the first round and Matthew Stafford in the 2nd?

2013 Outlook: One leaguer noted that the Metros had the best draft. I think it is better than Metro drafts recently, but I a roster littered with disasters-in-waiting. And given the Metros disposition for not making roster changes, I could see a fast start and quick decline, which brings me to…

Network: Friendster (according to Wikipedia, it is “no longer popular in the western world”). Big in Malaysia. Sounds about right for the Metros.

6. Cougars (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 8th, and actually finished 4th – things were looking bleak until the Cougs won 7 straight games to finish the regular season.

2013 Outlook: Matt Ryan at the end of the 4th round is a coup. But how does the Riddler go before Al Gore? How the Cougs had such a good draft, while hosting the draft and dealing with yet another technological debacle, is beyond me.

Network: Instagram. Came out of nowhere for a big impact immediately, but now is starting to blur (like one of its filters) back into the rest of the pack.

7. JoeMorrisBavaros (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to win it all, and actually finished 6th – oops, did I do that? Jinx! At least the JmBs went to the playoffs again.

2013 Outlook: Well, Yahoo picked them to finish 1st (with a draft grade of B). Marissa Mayer must have really liked the shock-the-world grab of Aaron Rodgers 4th overall. But that’s about as crazy as it got for the JmBs – much to the chagrin of the League. Like 75% of the league, the RB situation appears dismal.

Network: Launched with a lot of hype (hype I’m not buying). A lot of regretful moves that the user wishes could be deleted forever. Claims of hacking being responsible for dubious decisions. Am I talking about the JmBs or twitter?

8. Wisey’s Bums (predicted record: 6-7)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 7th, and actually finished 7th – predictable mediocrity at this point; a third-straight first round playoff loss too.

2013 Outlook: The plan was to surround RG3 with players he grew up watching so that he could play alongside his grade-school heroes. Injuries to Hakeem Nicks and Ryan Mathews will be receiving the blame for the Bums first round playoff loss. Oh, I almost nearly forgot. Yahoo awarded the Bums a draft grade of D, and a prediction of a 2-11 record. I’m not saying the Bums need extra motivation, but it is going up on the proverbial bulletin board.

Network: Myspace. Still exists in some capacity and may be important to somebody, but largely irrelevant.

9. NBTU (predicted record: 5-8)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 3rd, and actually finished 2nd – won their first playoff game since 2006.

2013 Outlook: No LeeSean or DeeSean this year. An end of era. At least Jacoby and Welker are there. The RB situation is scary – the Jets and Dolphins are probably not going to score more than 30 points/game… combined.

Network: Pinterest. I don’t think any team pins the players it wants before the draft as enthusiastically as the NBTUs. Not working like it should may be a bad sign of a breakdown of the model and the sudden decline of a social network site – and the failure to get either of the Sean brothers may signal the same for the NBTUs.

10. Ladybirds (predicted record: 4-9)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 11th, and actually finished 12th – the first team to only win one game in a season since the 2003 NBTUs.

2013 Outlook: After two absolutely dismal seasons, the Birds searched their soul and determined it was because they didn’t draft enough RBs at the top. This changed with them talking three (including Arian Foster falling to 10th overall). Do I think this will make them better than 1-12? Yes. Do I think that Arian Foster and his 5,000 carries over the last two years is not going to be a repeat of Jamaal Charles last year? No.

Network: eHarmony.com. The Birds are looking for love from a player. Any player. Who is the next Westy or the next Stokes? But first, I think the Birds need to learn to love themselves again. Their own dignity is but the first waypoint on their journey back to becoming a league elite. And a Thomas Jones-esque performance by Alfred Morris might ruin the Birds forever.

11. teen stars (predicted record: 4-9)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 6th, and actually finished 5th – leading the league in points scored just doesn’t go as far as it used to.

2013 Outlook: Well, autodrafter outdid itself on this one. No RBs until the 7th round when DeAngelo Williams and something called Shane Vereen seemed like good picks. Last year, the Hos and 1227s didn’t take running backs until the 6th and 7th rounds, respectively. They finished a combined 9-17. That WR corps is pretty nasty though.

Network: Tumblr. I don’t know what this is, other than it’s the only word with the combination of “mblr.” I think something is missing, sort of like a RB to play in the RB slots in the teen stars line-up.

12. PlazaPlayas (predicted record: 3-10)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 12th, and actually finished 11th – a one game improvement over 2010. The road is still long – ask the JmBs.

2013 Outlook: Cam Newton before Tom Brady? Brandon Marshall before Demaryius Thomas? Cecil Shorts before… anybody? I think the Playas are just one player off too many times. Nobody can say the Playas don’t put their heart into every Sunday, but I think many people could say they’re not going to put many points up every Sunday.

Network: Ravelry (knitting and crochet). Not very scary. A merger with Elftown is recommended to bolster the ranks for next year. Yes, I’ve never heard of them either, but I also had to wiki Cordarrelle Patterson and Ronnie Hillman.