2012 Season Preview

The end of the world and Mayan calendar jazz is too obvious. Let’s go with Ripley’s Believe it or not. Believe it or not… I picked the JmBs to win it all! And yes, that may actually signal the end of days.

With that, here are my numbers. Call me maybe.

1. JoeMorrisBavaros (predicted record: 10-3)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 8th last year (2011 Preview), actually finished 3rd (8-5) – after never finishing higher than 11th, it was a risk to predict them to finish in playoff territory, but the Miracle JmBs actually won a playoff game too

2012 Outlook: Jinx warning! The JmBs are for real. Hands down the best first 8 picks in the draft. They get to play the PlazaPlayas twice. Most telling is that there was no laughter at JmBs draft picks this year. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Believe or not… The JmBs had 19 total franchise wins in their first six seasons, and then 9 last season (including the playoff win over the Bums).

2. The F*** Buddy Ryans (predicted record: 9-4)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 7th last year, actually finished 2nd (8-5) – the Prof once again came within minutes of winning a Buddy Bowl

2012 Outlook: The Prof rode Aaron Rodgers all the way to the Buddy Bowl last year. No Rodgers this year, but this team might be better. Passing on Pocket Hercules for Cam Newton may now look like a mistake unless Newton replicates last season. And he has Ryan Williams, who will be racing Beanie Wells to tear an ACL and not have to suffer through this season.

Believe it or not… It took the FBRs until 2009 to get their first playoff win. Since then they’ve gone to two Buddy Bowls. The LOTs still have hope.

3. NBTU (predicted record: 9-4)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 6th last year, actually finished 7th (7-6) – made playoffs by winning last four in a row, but lost in the first round

2012 Outlook: Most of the outcome for the NBTUs depends on Peyton Manning. He’s ruined more teams than he’s helped (whether it’s his regular screwing over of the Bums, or giving way to Jim Sorgi in Buddy Bowl III for the rexers). But the NBTUs have a more balanced line-up than most teams.

Believe it or not… The apparent lifetime contract the NBTUs have with LeSean McCoy is being investigated by the League.

4. Georgetown Hos (predicted record: 8-5)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 4th last year, actually won the regular season (11-2) and Buddy Bowl X – after inexplicably losing to the PlazaPlayas in week 9, the Hos cruised to the championship game and won the closest Buddy Bowl ever

2012 Outlook: Similar to the passive/indexing trend in investing, the Hos are championing the autodraft strategy following their Buddy Bowl win last year. The 1227s may have made it fashionable following their undefeated 2007 season, but the Hos are making a philosophy out of it. Apparently it involves having horrible RBs.

Believe it or not… Herr Henkin and Jose Canseco founded the Church of Autodraftology in 2012. Katie Holmes is also now a member.

5. LOTFW (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 3rd last year, actually finished 4th (8-5) – LOTs had a stronger season than usual last year, but again lost in the first round of the playoffs

2012 Outlook: The LOTs always have great drafts, and seemed to be going after value picks this year. However, there are some question marks. Marshawn Lynch is due (or is it DUI) to run somebody over outside of the stadium, and Steven Jackson is only still playing because Obama told him that the social security retirement age has been extended.

Believe it or not… The LOTs were picked to finish 1st in the first ever season preview. And they thought it would only be a single season jinx!

6. teen stars (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 11th, actually finished 8th (6-7) – lost their first 5, won their next 5 and hung on to make it to the playoffs, only to run into the Hos in the first round

2012 Outlook: It seems that autodrafter got to work. For once. A very solid team and Matt Ryan in the 5th round. To be honest, though, it doesn’t matter. The teen stars are like Matthew Perry. Exactly the same in every iteration. Not good, my goodness, certainly not good, but serviceable enough to keep in the middle of things. And a loss in the first round of the playoffs.

Believe it or not… teen stars are one of only two teams to have beaten every team that’s ever played in the BRAS League. The other one is the Birds.(see the team vs team stats)

7. Wisey’s Bums (predicted record: 7-6)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 12th, actually finished 6th (7-6) – after a lot of waiver wire scrounging and the luck of getting Cam Newton, the Bums finally got on track to win five of their last six to get into the playoffs and suffer the infamy of being on the wrong side of the JmBs first franchise playoff win

2012 Outlook: The more I look at these Bums, the more I like them. They should be very well rested since most of them haven’t played for six months because of rehabilitating surgically repaired injuries, or because they’ve been spending time at shuffleboard courts and buffets. And Dez Bryant harkens back to the great Bums WRs of yore – David Boston and Jimmy Smith. 2007’s Buddy Bowl appearance seems really far away.

Believe it or not… Bums have still never missed the playoffs.

8. Cougars (predicted record: 6-7)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 5th last year, actually finished 9th (5-8) – missed the playoffs for the first time after PowerCordgate at the 2011 live draft

2012 Outlook: I’m not loving Steve Smith (who dates back to when Favresaurus was not yet fossilized) and Witten’s busted spleen, but the odds of the Cougars having two down seasons in a row are unlikely. And the last time they had Rivers at QB, they won a Buddy Bowl.

Believe it or not… When the Ladybirds leaves his laptop unplugged, you autodraft back-to-back picks; when you autodraft back-to-back picks, you miss the playoffs; when you miss the playoffs, you hold up the Leominster Denny’s. Don’t hold up the Leominster Denny’s -- don’t let the Ladybirds leave his laptop unplugged.

9. 1227s (predicted record: 6-7)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 2nd last year, actually finished 10th (5-8) –losing six of last seven games resulted in their worst season since 2005; I blame Vick

2012 Outlook: Never before has a team rested so squarely on the shoulders of Kevin Smith. Yes, the guy on Detroit. If the 1227s get into the playoffs, we will have officially crossed into an era where RBs don’t matter.

Believe it or not... It is unprecedented to not draft a RB or QB until the 6th round.

10. Metrosexuals (predicted record: 5-8)

Last Season: Predicted to win it all last year, actually finished 5th (7-6) – got mowed down in the second round of the playoffs by the Hos; typical season for the Metros

2012 Outlook: The Metros went for a veritable craps table of players. They are all gambles with potentially high payouts. The odds of all of them working out are not good. I think they’d be lucky to get seven starts each out of McFadden and AP. The house is probably going to win.

Believe it or not… The Metros have changed e-mail addresses more frequently than they’ve adjusted their line-up over the last five seasons.

11. Ladybirds (predicted record: 3-10)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 9th, actually finished dead last (3-10) – a bottom-four finish was fairly predictable following the Birds’ horrible draft, but the last place finish was a result of the draft picks not only being bad, but also injured

2012 Outlook: During the draft, maybe there should have been less ordering of cranberry vodkas, and more of not drafting Darrius Hayward-Bey and Roy Helu. The only question that remains is whether they are better or worse than the PlazaPlayas this year.

Believe it or not… The Birds drafted Fred Jackson three rounds sooner than the Cougars did last year when PowerCordgate caused them to autodraft him.

12. PlazaPlayas (predicted record: 1-12)

Last Season: Predicted to finish 10th, actually finished 11th (3-10) – their inaugural season was a success in that they finished ahead of the Birds

2012 Outlook: It is unclear exactly what was happening during the Playas draft. It seemed to be either some type of autodraft hybrid or supernatural possession from a Didduk box. They drafted someone named Daryl Richardson (a relative of Trent Richardson?!) and a kicker in the sixth round. Don’t worry, they shored up the line-up after the draft by dropping some unknown player and picking up a 2nd kicker.

Believe it or not… Playas became the 1st team to ever draft two back-up RBs on the Rams.

And for the record, here is Yahoo's season preview, as seen on the League/Projections tab...