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Week 13 Previews

In honor of the Hoyas' miracle win against Missouri, and the victory scotches that will be drunk by teams heading to the BRAS League playoffs, Johnny Walker has sponsored the previews for the final week of the regular season. For those that aren't going to the playoffs, have a scotch yourselves for a season that will inspire you to start working on your draft boards right... now...

Georgetown Hos (4-8) vs. Raiders of JJ (7-5) -- The Hos are a longshot at getting into the playoffs. They need the teen stars and LOTs to both lose, while also making up the 50-point differential between them and the teen stars. The JJs have locked up a playoff spot. Long gone are the days of 75 adds/drops and 8-loss seasons for the JJs. Coincidence? JJs won in week 2, and lead the historical series 7-5. JJs by 7.

Cougars (8-4) vs. teen stars (5-7) -- The Cougs are locked into the playoffs, but the teen stars only have a 20-point buffer between them and the LOTs for the final playoff bid. teen stars won in week 2 -- how the teams' fortunes have changed since then. That's what happens when you start such powerhouses as Danny Woodhead and Mike Tolbert. Long live the waiver wire. The teen stars are the only team the Cougs have never beaten (3 tries). Cougs by 8.

Wisey's Bums (6-6) vs. LOTFW (5-7) -- To get in the playoffs, the LOTs need to win and have either the teen stars or Metros lose, or they can match the teen stars in either a win or loss while scoring 20 more points than the teen stars. The Bums are contemplating not rolling with a complete lineup since they are assured of a playoff spot (for a record 9th season). The Bums were actually decent back in week 2 and beat the LOTs, 137-88. However, the Bums have struggled against no active team like they have against the LOTs and only lead the lifetime series 5-4. LOTs by 3.

NBTU (3-9) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (3-9) -- Neither team can make the playoffs, but that doesn't mean this game isn't important. The NBTUs haven't finished in last since 2004. The JmBs are trying to avoid back-to-back finishes at the bottom of the barrel. Using purely technical analysis, the JmBs should win given their 2010 pattern of losign three games and then winning one. They will once again miss their dream of the 5-win season. NBTUs lead the lifetime series 5-1 after blowing up the JmBs in week 2 by nearly 60 points. NBTUs by 5.

Ladybirds (7-5) vs. 1227 (8-4) -- Both teams are set for the playoffs and are just jockeying for playoff seedings, and also all-time win/loss standing. 1227s won a real barn burner in week 2, 69-47, but the Birds lead the lifetime series 6-4. The Birds have decided to play Tom Brady this week, so that may be a solid managerial decision, but may be going to the Maurice Morris well one too many times. 1227s by 5.

Metrosexuals (6-6) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (10-2) -- The FBRs repeated as regular season champs after their 7th consecutive win last week. The team is clearly set up to lose in the first round of the playoffs. The inconvenient truth is that Gore broke his hip before Favresaurus. It's a mad, mad world. To get in the playoffs, the Metros can win, or if the teen stars or LOTs lose. The Metros may be the first team to ever make the playoffs despite having the fewest points in the league. The FBRs beat a partial Metros line-up in week 2, and lead the lifetime series 6-3. FBRs by 10.

Week 12 Previews

Brad Childress, what are you doing here?! Shouldn't you be passive aggressively mashing potatoes or passive aggressively greeting people at Walmart? Well, since you have some free time, thanks for doing the Thanksgiving edition of the weekly previews. And also the rematches of the Week 1 games.

1227 (8-3) vs. Raiders of JJ (6-5) -- The 1227s have mathematically clenched a playoff spot, and the JJs have basically punched their ticket too. So the teams don't really have anything to play for right now. Sort of like the Vikings. Knowshon Moreno is like a piece of gristle. I don't know what that means, but I think it's a compliment. Joe Flacco is better than Brett Favre. Brett Favre is a bad quarterback. The JJs won in week 1. 1227s by 5.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (9-2) vs. teen stars (5-6) -- The FBRs destroyed the teen stars in week 1 like Brett Favre destroyed my career. The teen stars are clinging to the final playoff spot, while the FBRs are trying to become the first repeat regular season champions. Oh, oh, Sidney Rice is going to play now?! Well, welcome back, great to have you here. Would have been nice for you to learn how to walk again about 3 weeks ago, but good to have you back. FBRs by 10.

NBTU (3-8) vs. LOTFW (4-7) -- To hope to get in the playoffs, the winner of this game will probably need to win next week and hope for a teen stars loss. Is Reggie Bush going to be there or not? I don't know. They'll play with the guys who are here or who the owner tells them will be here at some point no sooner than 5 minutes before kickoff. The NBTUs beat the LOTs in week 1 by over 65 points. NBTUs by 2.

Metrosexuals (6-5) vs. Georgetown Hos (3-8) -- Between the two of them, there should be one complete team on the field. The Metros may have the unprecedented distinction of making the playoffs while scoring the fewest points in the league. The Hos won in Week 1, but not often since then. But 3 wins after 11 games really isn't that bad. Certainly not so bad to fire the coach. As I once said, "If we could get five good football players I'd be elated. It doesn't make a difference in what order, offense or defense." This is the mantra of both these teams... combined. Hos by 4.

Cougars (7-4) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (3-8) -- The 5-win season is a dream that continues to elude the JmBs. They have to win their final two games to make it reality this year. The JmBs won against the Cougars over two months ago. Seems like a long time and about 1,300 Brett Favre injuries ago. The JmBs are not rebuilding, they're remolding. Cougs by 15.

Wisey's Bums (6-5) vs. Ladybirds (6-5) -- In the Kickoff Classic, the Bums beat the Birds by almost 30 points. But now these teams are more difficult to distinguish than me and Lobot. And I hated when Adrian Peterson would ask me where I lived on Cloud City. I clearly didn't live anywhere since I'm an android. Wait. I mean... I'm so glad that Peterson averages about 4 points a game now. Birds by 2.

Week 11 Previews

Thanks to John Adams for sponsoring the weekly previews. The only stipulation was that I make the previews as boring as possible. I'll try. With only three weeks left, nine teams are realistically playing for five playoff spots.

teen stars (5-5) vs. Raiders of JJ (5-5) -- A huge game in the quest for a playoff spot. The teen stars are coming off their best game of the season, and the JJs are coming off their luckiest -- it's not often you get the treat of playing a back-up QB on the Lions when you could have been facing one of the best players in fantasy football. JJs by 5.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (8-2) vs. Cougars (7-3) -- A huge game in the quest for the regular season championship. Dating back to the beginning of last season, the FBRs are an incredible 21-5, with three of those loses coming against the Birds. The Cougs was one of those other two teams. Cougs by 1.

Wisey's Bums (5-5) vs. Metrosexuals (6-4) -- The Bums barely held on against an NBTU comeback last week. The Bums have been whining all season about scoring so many more points than the Metros, yet getting fewer wins; time to solve this once and for all. Meanwhile, the Bums are saddled with the 17th-best QB who is on the Can't Cut List. Drew Bledsoe and Max Hall must also be on the list. Bums by 2.

NBTU (2-8) vs. Georgetown Hos (3-7) -- It may turn out that this game has more bearing on last place than the last playoff spot, but anything is possible still. The NBTUs must win their final three games and some other teams to do a whole lot of losing. The loser here is doomed to miss the playoffs. NBTUs by 6.

LOTFW (4-6) vs. 1227 (7-3) -- A rivalry game one week after Rivalry Week -- 1227s lead the lifetime series 7-5. The 1227s have all but locked up a playoff spot, but the LOTs likely need to win at least two of their last three. The heartbreaking loss last week may have a lasting psychological effect on the LOTs. Coming from so far back only to lose may have broken their will. 1227s by 2.

Ladybirds (5-5) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (3-7) -- A near incident occurred this week between the GMs of the two clubs during an industry conference in NYC. The Birds had nearly coached themselves into a playoff spot, but after last week's debacle, they may have coached themselves out of the playoffs. Forget the playoffs, the JmBs are still in search of the elusive, magical 5-win season. Birds lead the lifetime series 5-1. Ladybirds by 4.

Week 10 Previews

RIVALRY WEEK

Back by popular demand from me, it's the CliffsNotes Previews! It's already week 10, which means there are only four regular season games left. Playoff implications are beginning to crystallize a little. Also, it's the Yahoo!-designated Rivalry Week. Last year, the beloved Commissioner made Week 1 into Rivalry Week and scheduled the games. This year, Yahoo! did it randomly, but we still got some classic match-ups: FBRs-JmBs, Birds-JJs, Bums-NBTUs.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (7-2) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (3-6) -- The Thrillage in the Village! Maybe has lost a little bit of luster when teams are on opposite ends of the standings, but this is a great chance for a signature win for the JmBs and would tie them for their most wins in a season... Maurice J-D only as two double-digit games this year -- a classic JmBs first round pick... Conversely, Peyton Hillis has five double-digit games -- and the FBR-JmB dicotomy in a nutshell... FBRs lead lifetime Thrillages 5-1 (JmBs won in 2007)... FBRs by 4.

Ladybirds (5-4) vs. Raiders of JJ (4-5) -- The original Pity Bowl! Teams headed in opposite directions as Birds have won 3 straight and JJs have lost 3... JJs threatened to pick up Portis several weeks ago, but did not. Portis is now on the Birds... However, if the Birds actually start a Redskin, start looking for locusts and a blood red moon among other signs... Birds lead lifetime series 9-4... Birds by 5.

Wisey's Bums (4-5) vs. NBTU (2-7) -- Factoid: Bums have been 4-5 twice in history; 2003 and 2007. Both seasons they ended up playing the 1227s in the last game of the season -- Buddy Bowl II and Buddy Bowl VI... NBTUs have lost 7 in a row after Ochocinco and his gold shoes disappeared into oblivion last week... NBTUs may have solved their QB Curse with some guy on the Bucs... Bums lead lifetime series 6-3... NBTUs by 1.

teen stars (4-5) vs. Georgetown Hos (3-6) -- They are both charter member teams, but who can tell me the significance of this match-up? Back in the inaugural season of the league, these teams had the distinction of settling for the only tie in BRAS League history... The real wildcard is whether the Hos play 5, 7 or 10 (gasp!) players this week... teen stars might settle for more ties, given the Hos leading the lifetime series 7-2-1... teen stars by 6.

Metrosexuals (5-4) vs. 1227 (7-2) -- Renole! Why do they call you Renole?! Not much of a rivalry here to speak of, but these teams both seem bound for the playoffs... The Metros are in 5th place, but have the fewest points in the league -- yes, you read that right. There are seven teams with more points, yet fewer wins... The reason for the Metros wins: voodoo or the greatest statistical anomaly this side of the JmBs finishing in 11th or 12th every single season... 1227s lead lifetime 7-4... 1227s by 9.

Cougars (6-3) vs. LOTFW (4-5) -- Well, we can't have a great rivalry in every match-up... But know this, both teams have done a great job of self-deprecation in their team slogans every week. However, it works a lot better when you back it up by losing, so advantage: LOTs... This is only the third time they've met, and the Cougars have won both games... The LOTs have never won a playoff game in 8.5 seasons... The Cougs already have won 4 (and a championship ring) in 2.5... Time for some LOT revenge... LOTs by 3.

Week 9 Previews

Okay, here's the deal, fellas. My name is Bill Shea. I had a little run-in with the League for trying to profit from the League's popularity because of the way I say the name of my company -- Bill Shea's -- during radio ads. Apparently people have been misled to think it is "Villechaize Replacement Countertops." The BRAS League is the only establishment that Herve endorses from beyond the grave. As part of my settlement I have to write these previews. I don't really know anything about this, but I do love the Pats. Anyways, here it goes.

Wisey's Bums (4-4) vs. 1227s (6-2) -- These two teams look pretty good. The 1227s have a lot of wins and the Bums have a lot of points. This tells me one thing, 1227s have heart, and the Bums are like the Tin Man. But Deion Branch is a winner, so things should be turning around soon for them. 1227s by 4.

teen stars (3-5) vs. NBTU (2-6) -- Cat fight! These ladies are going to fight over points like ladies used to fight over me down at the Penalty Box across the street from the Garden. The NBTUs have lost 6 in a row. That's like the Pats at old Schaefer Stadium. Who's Christopher Ivory? teen stars should pick up Fred Taylor or Corey Dillon, instead. NBTUs by 1.

Ladybirds (4-4) vs. Georgetown Hos (3-5) -- Look at all those Pats on the Ladybirds! I love it. By looking at their performance this year, I bet they've been one of the most mediocre teams in league history. But this could be their year. The Hos have lost 4 out of their last 5. That's not a good trend, guy. Birds by 3.

LOTFW (4-4) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (2-6) -- Both these teams are two lower scoring teams, but have two of the highest points against them this season. So what happens when they play themselves? A hole in the time-space continuum? In the countertop tiling business, you need to be able to see patterns, and I see one with the JmBs. Those effen guys lose every effen season! But, here's what I really see. This year they win one, lose three, win one, lose three. Guess what this week is -- win! JmBs by 5.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (6-2) vs. Raiders of JJ (4-4) -- Come on, JJs. Peyton Manning? Seriously, the guy's a chump. Good thing you have all those Pats on your team to make up for it. I don't know about the FBRs. They have no players from the AFC East, but it looks like they've been winning anyways. But I like that Big Ben. He's the one that told me that two cans of 4 LOCO turns any girl into an instant girlfriend. Raiders of JJ by 3.

Metrosexuals (5-3) vs. Cougars (5-3) -- This is a pretty big game! Maybe a playoff preview. I bet both of these teams have been Buddy Bowls. Well, probably not the Cougs, since a woman is running the team. Thomas Jones is on the Chiefs now? He's no Danny Woodhead. Here's my advice to you, my friend. Don't mess with a Leominster girl. Those ladies are a mix of Worcester elegance with Fitchburg violence. Cougars by 8.

Week 8 Previews

It's the time of year for dressing as Lady Gaga and eating candied corns. So, it's the Halloween edition of the previews! Each game can be classified as a Trick or a Treat, based on whether it's good like a mini Butterfinger, or bad like an orange fruit.

Metrosexuals (4-3) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (2-5) -- Trick! The Metros are masquerading as a winning team for Halloween. They're the lowest scoring team in the league. But know this: the Metros haven't lost to the JmBs in 7 meetings. The JmBs hit the waiver wire this week with a couple of additions (Britt and Lee Evans) could change their fortune against the Metros. Metros by 7.

Wisey's Bums (3-4) vs. teen stars (3-4) -- Trick! The Bums have hit a franchise low by losing four games in a row. They are trying to pull off a BRAS League first -- finishing the season with the most points in the league and missing the playoffs. The teen stars have a bunch of ghosts in their line-up, so are currently projected to get 46 points. Bums by 4.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (5-2) vs. Georgetown Hos (3-4) -- Treat! The FBRs picked up where they left off (well, left off in the second-round of the playoffs). They had a close call with the NBTUs last week, and can't take the Hos too lightly. The Hos are like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde over the last five weeks. Drew Brees sees the Prof for the first time since last season. This year, the Prof is out to prove you don't need a good QB to win. FBRs by 6.

Ladybirds (3-4) vs. NBTU (2-5) -- Trick! The Birds are going around the neighborhood dressed as world champs. Given their performance this year, it's a great costume. The real fright here is the Birds ghastly RB corps. The NBTUs are starting an unkown QB. He's wearing a Jon Kitna costume, but since real Jon Kitna retired in 1988, it could be Akili Smith, Drew Bledsoe, or even Ryan Leaf! NBTUs by 1.

Cougars (5-2) vs. 1227 (5-2) -- Treat! The Cougs have won five in a row and the 1227s are really looking scary with a 5-2 record, but only last week finally scoring over 100 points. Who's Danny Woodhead? The first guy to always get knocked off in a Friday the 13th or Halloween movie after trying to get frisky with a girl? Nope. He's a starting RB on the Cougars. 1227s by 4.

LOTFW (3-4) vs. Raiders of JJ (4-3) -- Trick! The LOTs won last week by 3 points even though the Hos only used 7 players against them. Since putting on a house of horrors for the FBRs in week 3, the LOTs havent' scored 73 points in game. The JJs haven't lit the world on fire the last three weeks, either. I really can't find anything to make fun of on the JJs roster -- a good sign that they may actually make a run this year. The JJs lead the lifetime series 8-4 over the LOTs.

Week 7 Previews

This week, I'm giving a CliffsNotes version of the previews so that we can get right to the point. I know a lot of you got through high school (or whatever was the detention center equivalent that the JJs "attended") using CliffsNotes so it should be a nostaglic turn -- I recommend this versus watching the movie where possible because sometimes they have different endings (see: The Shining).

LOTFW (2-4) vs. Georgetown Hos (3-3) -- The LOTs may have had the strength of schedule to blame early in the season, but haven't scored over 70 points in the last three games... Hos have gone from being plagued by injuries to be being plagued by byes... Note to Favresaurus: It's too late to retire gracefully now. You've been embroiled in a sexual harrassment investigation, your throws are further off target than an Iranian rocket, you're going to miss the playoffs (please, please, please), and you've been cut by the LOTs. Your image just took a proton torpedo from Luke Skywalker up the exhaust port... LOTs by 7.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (4-2) vs. NBTU (2-4) -- Over the last four weeks, the FBRs go back and forth between playing like the 2009 FBRs and the everyseason JmBs.... However, the FBRs franchise has come a long way since having to hold press conferences like this (sound required)... NBTUs are cursed at QB, and have petitioned the League Office to let the QB slot go unfilled, which would actually give them more points each week than having a QB turn in negative points under the weight of the Curse of Kurt Warner... NBTUs by 2.

Wisey's Bums (3-3) vs. Cougars (4-2) -- Bums have lost three in a row... Cougs have won 4 in a row... The Bums have had one opponent score under 88 points... The Cougs have had one opponent score over 74 points... Buddy Ryan once said, "Life isn't far and neither is my All-Stars League"... Cougs by 4.

JoeMorrisBavaros (2-4) vs. 1227 (4-2) -- 1227s own the JmBs in the lifetime series (6-1), but a similar case didn't help out the 1227s in a loss vs. the FBRs last week... Prince (H)akeem might not play, which would cause the JmBs to kiss goodbye about 35% of their weekly scoring... Even though these teams are far apart in the standings, the 1227s have only scored two more points than the JmBs...Yahoo thinks Romo is going to score almost twice as many points as Flacco (who is playing Buffalo)--I have to laugh... 1227s by 3.

Ladybirds (2-4) vs. teen stars (3-3) -- The Birds historically have no problem with the teen stars (6-2 lifetime series lead for the Birds)... This may continue, thanks not to the Birds scoring more than 70 points, but thanks to byes devouring the teen stars line-up like so many stink bugs on tomatoes in the Mid-Atlantic... The Birds may have to update their own draft strategy rules: don't use a top 10 pick to draft a player that has never played an NFL down... Birds by 5.

Metrosexuals (3-3) vs. Raiders of JJ (4-2) -- The Metros struggle with the JJs (JJs lead lifetime 6-2)... The Metros have had only two roster transactions all season--I guess when you have the least amount of points in the league, you don't want to mess with that kind of chemistry... Meanwhile the masters of the add/drop have been very restrained, which has actually helped them--but I think they are one RB injury from picking up Earnest Graham and setting off a tsunami of add/drops for the franchise... Metros by 3.

Week 6 Previews

Pee Wee's Playhouse has sponsored this week's previews and have given us the "Secret Word." You should scream real loud every time the word is mentioned in the previews. Conky has given me the word and it's "mediocre." Not only is it appropriate for the Commish's typical previews, but it is also fitting for a league where all but one team are either 3-2 or 2-3.

Ladybirds (2-3) vs. Cougars (3-2) -- With every week, the Birds draft looks like one of the worst of all time. But they have won two in a row. All I have to say to the Birds is, "If you love T.O. so much, we don't you marry him?" The Cougs have won two in a row, largely in thanks to playing mediocre teams that only average 70 points a game. Cougars are 2-1 in the all-time series. Cougs by 6.

Metrosexuals (2-3) vs. LOTFW (2-3) -- Even though these teams have the same record, the LOTs have faced teams scoring over 20 points more per game than the Metros have faced. This is the "I Know You Are But What Am I Bowl." In the annals of the BRAS League, one is hard-pressed to find teams with more of a mediocre history than these two. Between them, they have two playoff wins. Unsurprisingly, they have a 4-4 lifetime record against each other. LOTs by 4.

NBTU (2-3) vs. Raiders of JJ (3-2) -- Just when things were looking promising for the JJs, they went and added Prince Mediocre -- Cadillac Williams. The NBTUs have lost three in a row, dropping them into mediocrity -- nope I didn't say the secret word. Don't you feel foolish for screaming now? NBTUs lead all-time series, 4-3. NBTUs by 1.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (3-2) vs. 1227 (4-1) -- The 1227s are the one team with an outstanding record. But their points per game are very mediocre. They have fewer total points than six other teams. Adrian Foster has been the pick-up of the year so far. Mmmm... Fostery. 1227s lead lifetime series, 7-1. Seriously. The 1227s own the FBRs. Not this week though. FBRs by 10.

teen stars (2-3) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (2-3) -- The JmBs are a franchise which would be very happy with being mediocre. The JmBs only have a winning record against one team. The teen stars are that team - the JmBs have won 3 of their 5 match-ups. If they win this game, it will be like uttering Mecca Lecca High Mecca Hiney Ho -- and gaining entry to the dream of a five-win season. JmBs by 1.

Wisey's Bums (3-2) vs. Georgetown Hos (2-3) -- Injuries have made the Hos into a mediocre team at this point, after losing two in a row. Holding out hope for McFadden is like holding out hope for a Pee Wee's Playhouse movie. Oh wait. Bums lead the lifetime series, 7-5. Before riding off on my scooter, I'll just say that I hope you all have weekends that are more than mediocre -- aaaahahhghhghghghdhhghhhgghgh!! Bums by 2.

Week 5 Previews

Somebody say my name three times?! I'm just on my break from Hess, so I can't stay long. Just wanted all you losers to know that I'm probably getting Reggie Bush's Heisman, so that's sweet. You're going to feel so dumb for saying all those stupid things about Ryan Leaf over the years. Even though I could still be playing, I've choosed to be an artist now. Here are some haikus, bitches.

LOTFW (1-3) vs. teen stars (2-2) -- Week in and week out/ LOTs jinx, teen stars luck/ Favre sent me wee pic -- teen stars by 3.

The F*** Buddy Ryans (3-1) vs. Ladybirds (1-3) -- Buddy Bowl rematch/ Prof wants revenge, Birds need help/ Could be debacle -- FBRs by 16.

Wisey's Bums (3-1) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (1-3) -- Bums struggle with them/ but JMBs hate to win/ MJD? Next bust -- Bums by 9.

Georgetown Hos (2-2) vs. 1227 (3-1) -- Renole 3 straight?/ Hos need MASH unit or roids/ War of attrition -- 1227s by 2.

Raiders of JJ (3-1) vs. Cougars (2-2) -- Cougs have no real backs/ JJs ride trash to 3 wins/ Michael Bennett next -- Cougs by 6.

Metrosexuals (1-3) vs. NBTU (2-2) -- Ochocinco is / not good, but Metros are worse/ Roster incomplete -- NBTUs by 5.

Week 4 Previews

What exactly is... the event? I have no idea, but I'm guessing NBC's newest concoction will take awhile to let us know (in fact, probably never because the show will be cancelled or sent to SyFy in exchange for the screenplay for Lake Placid 8 before they get around to revealing it). I'm going to show NBC how it should be done. Each of the games this week is part of a supernatural or conspiratorial event, and I'm going to get right to it.

Metrosexuals (1-2) vs. teen stars (1-2) -- What is... the event? Bermuda Triangle! Both these teams have had their RBs lost somewhere over the Atlantic, because I look at these rosters and see no healthy, real RBs. Was it aliens? Atlantis? Dancing with the Stars? Doesn't matter. Even if they are deceased, it wouldn't stop the Metros from starting them. teen stars by 3.

Raiders of JJ (2-1) vs. JoeMorrisBavaros (1-2) -- What is... the event? New World Order! Only the Bilderberg Group could be behind what has happened to these two teams. First of all, only a cabal of the world's most powerful leaders could somehow keep the JmBs in a nearly statistically unpossible situation of losing every year. It's a conspiracy. But if they are so powerful, they may choose to make the JmBs good. Or maybe the New World Order is just that the JJs average less than 2 add/drops a week. JJs by 9.

Wisey's Bums (3-0) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (2-1) -- What is... the event? Rosicrucianism! This secret society holds a doctrine "built on esoteric truths of the ancient past." That's just like the draft philosophy of these two teams. Portis, LT, Driver, and Favresaurus are nothing if not ancient. However, the FBRs dropped the aforementioned dino, even though he was holding him as a double-reverse-jinx after what happened in the Buddy Bowl. If you can't have a double-jinx in a secret society, where can you have one? FBRs by 20 (reverse-jinx!).

NBTU (2-1) vs. 1227 (2-1) -- What is... the event? Vampires! So hot right now, just like both of these teams. The NBTUs have Todd Heap who is clearly a livign dead since he's been in the league since 1764 and Jay Cutler who looks and plays like one of those homosexual, Interview With the Vampire vampires. However, the schedule for the 1227s players this week is softer than the neck of a given strumpet in the Twilight series. NBTUs by 4.

Georgetown Hos (2-1) vs. Cougars (1-2) -- What is... the event? Time travel! The Hos need to find a DeLorean, go back to last week, and wrap his two RBs in bubble wrap. The Cougs would like to go back to when they won a Buddy Bowl, which seems like an epoch ago. Or maybe just back to draft day and get a real RB. Just one. Cougs by 5.

LOTFW (1-2) vs. Ladybirds (0-3) -- What is.. the event? It's all a dream! Inception-style! The LOTs must think they're still dreaming on Tuesday mornings when they see that their opponents score 125 points/week. The Birds must have had somebody commit inception on them. They went into the Birds' dream state, 4 levels down, and planted the idea that Bernard Berrian, Garrett Hartley, T.O., and Jerome Harrison would be a great basis for a team. This idea has spread like a virus and now he has even picked up a 3rd string Cardinals RB to start. This must still be a dream. Or is it? LOTs by 13.

Week 3 Previews

The theme of this week’s previews is “over-management”. As in, the Georgetown Hos over-managed their team straight into the loss column by benching Jahvid Best in favor of Run DMC, then watched in horror as Best accumulated 34.10 points while pointing his middle finger squarely at Hos management from the bench. Thankfully, Donald Trump has stopped by to offer his thoughts on more prudent management strategies across the board for the Week Three matchups.

LOTFW (0-2) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (2-0) -- Everyone loves the FBRs. FBRs this. FBRs that. Undefeated. Lots of points. Sexy pick. I’m not fooled. Sure, there’s great chemistry there with Favre, Derrick Mason and Donald Driver as they all reminisce about back in the day when they played in leather helmets. Otherwise, they’ve basically got a serial rapist and a fat disgruntled running back on the trading block. Favre. Old. Rapists. Generally speaking, I hate these guys more than my ex-wife. Not that the LOTs are any beauty either. A bunch of pot-smoking, dog killing, crowd-mooning up-chucking winless cretins. FBRs by 4.

Ladybirds (0-2) vs. Metrosexuals (0-2) -- My advice to the Ladybirds at this point is just to file for bankruptcy on the basis that their 2010 fantasy football draft disaster was caused by an “Act of God." How else to explain draft picks like Ryan Matthews, Lee Evans and Bernard Berrian? Meanwhile, among other unsound business decisions, the Metros continue to start Beanie Wells. Sort of reminds me of when I hired Sinbad to host the Miss Universe Pageant back in 2000 (I’ve since had him killed). Metros by 1.

Wisey’s Bums (2-0) vs. Raiders of JJ (2-0) -- This game is like a bizarro version of the LoserBowl Ladybirds v. Metros matchup detailed above. In Week Two, all of the starters from both teams (with the exception of that lollygagger Larry Fitzgerald) scored double digit points. If Upton Sinclair wasn’t such a blatant communist, I’d probably incorporate a There Will Be Blood reference in here somewhere. Bums by 8.

Georgetown Hos (1-1) vs. JoeMorrisBavarros (1-1) -- After his Week Two debacle, The Hos GM should just go sit in a corner and suck his thumb, or whatever it is that Non-Real Estate Magnates do with their lamentable free time. As for the JMBs, I have really have no advice to offer, except maybe this: If a bunch of monkeys in a room with typewriters can supposedly churn out some Shakespeare, then certainly 1 or 2 chimps with a Mac could probably draft a better team than these annual JMB teams. In other words: YOU’RE FIRED!!! Hos by 3.

teen stars (1-1) vs. 1227s (1-1) -- History tells us that the 1227s should prevail here. Then again, history also told us that the career of a talentless cow like Rosie O’Donnell wouldn’t last longer than an open can of beluga caviar so what the *&^% does history know?! The 1227s’ attack features fat but fragile Michael Turner, who is one buffet line away from bleeding gravy onto the field. He’s so fat, his new book is called “The Art of the Meal” (I’m suing him for copyright infringement). If the 1227’s didn’t pick the wrong Steve Smith and didn’t start Joe Flacco, who looks (and plays) like Bert from Sesame Street’s retarded younger brother, I’d day they’d win by 50. 1227s by 5.

NBTU (2-0) vs. Cougars (0-2) -- The NBTUs may be riding high now but I see a full-blown storm headed their way. It’s called Hurricane Reality. Todd Heap should be arrested for Criminal Incompetence of the hands, BenJarvus Green-Ellis has more names than fantasy points and LeSean McCoy is one hard hit away from receiving his return ticket to Mediocreville. On the other hand, the Cougars should be renamed to “The AaronRodgersMcClusterGodzillas”, so formidable is that particular pair. Cougars by 1.

Many thanks to the Hos for the submission.

Week 2 Previews

Filling in the large shoes left empty by the Commissioner in this week’s previews is Dolph Lundgren, who fortunately for us had a few minutes of downtime in between the filming of the sequels to Universal Soldier and Johnny Mnemonic. Here’s what he had to say, complete with fake Russian accent, about this week’s match-ups:

Georgetown Hos (1-0) vs. Raiders of JJ (1-0) -- I see capitalist pigs of JJ won sweepstakes for Brandon Jackson, which makes perfect sense because rest of JJ running back group look like gulag in middle of winter. In my country, we don’t pick girly field goal kickers in first half of draft. We use them as ballast in bottom of silent nuclear submarines. As for game, if Wes Welker does not fall apart like Joe Piscopo at end of Dead Heat, JJs have chance. Otherwise, Drew Brees will dine on JJ carcass like chicken kiev. JJs by 8.

Metrosexuals (0-1) vs. The F*** Buddy Ryans (1-0) -- On one hand, these FBRs disgust me because of foolish old man quarterback and team’s family relation to loud fat man on Jets with very white teeth. On other hand, any team which features man named “Arian” who also score 30 points has to be considered loving comrade. Metrosexuals, meanwhile, have man named Beanie Wells, who in addition to sounding like bathhouse fairy, produced as many fantasy points as Yakov Smirnoff did in Week One. The door is ajar. The window is a spoon. HAHAHAHA!!!! FBRs by 20.

LOFTW (0-1) vs. Wisey’s Bums (1-0) -- LOFTW’s have apparently cornered market in players named Williams. Too bad they aren’t collecting players who score lots of fantasy points. Meanwhile, Bums are collecting players who don’t like women (i.e. Clinton Portis, anyone on the Jets). As for supposed fantasy superman Adrian Peterson, as far as I’m concerned, if he dies, he dies. Although not directly matched up in Week One, Bums outscored LOFTWJHGF, who played like team at end of bread line, by 35.01 points. Bums by 12.

Ladybirds (0-1) vs. 1227 (0-1) -- A battle of winless former champions. Kind of like Spain and Prussian Empire. I am fond of 1227 because team name represents last year Russian had functioning economy. As for game, Mr. Preston says he must break you. Among other ludicrous smacky talk, also says he will bury you. 1227s don’t subscribe to that point of view. Believe me when I say to you, I hope Bernard Berrian does better than 1 reception and 3 yards. At least Birds have Lee Evans. Apparently Torry Holt not available. 1227s by 11.

teen stars (0-1) vs. Cougars (1-0) -- Two ladies fighting. Reminds me of Sylvester Stallone and Tommy Morrison in Rocky V. Teen stars have Shonn Green, who in addition to incorrect spelling of name, also produces negative points with girly hands. Cougars have Dexter McCluster, biggest man in world since Stalin. Cougars by 100.

JoeMorrisBavaros (1-0) vs. NBTUs (1-0) -- NBTUs won in Week One on strength of quarterback not named Manning (means “idiots in many commercials” in Russian). JMBs off to unprecedented fast start, proving old Russian proverb: even broken clock right twice a day. Unless you expect Hakeem Nicks to score 3 touchdowns every week, JMBs come in peace. They go in pieces. NBTUs by 15.

Many thanks to the Hos for the submission.